There's nothing worse than being Un-Australian; I should know, I've been Australian all my life and I'm sickened by the creeping tide of Un-Australianism eroding our great traditions. Like our custom of eating lamb on Australia Day.
Un-Australianism is everywhere, for example people wearing those plastic brightly coloured flip-flop shoes with flowers on them. What's wrong with rubber thongs in simple primary colours? If I hear another person say "thong" when they mean those swimming costumes puncy Brazillian bloke wear up their bums, I'll do my block.
Sadly the scourge of Un-Australianism has even infected our national day. A balanced Australia Day diet should consist of a few nice juicy lamb chops and beer, and perhaps a bit of pavlova for those with a sweet tooth, yet your long-haired, dole bludging types are indulging their pierced tastebuds in all manner of exotic, foreign and often vegetarian cuisine, chicken burger value meals, pizzas, a number 42 with rice. It's an absolute disgrace, and people ask why we need capital punishment.
Do you think the Diggers in the trenches were fighting for tofu sausages? No, They were thinking of grabbing a lamb chop off the barbie with their bare fingers, sustaining third-degree burns, then sticking their hands in a relieving Esky to fish out a cold one. Look at our national song, Waltzing Matilda. It’s about a bloke trying to get a nice bit of lamb into his tuckerbag, not spicy chicken wings!
The soap-avoiding, pot-smoking hippie vegetarians might disagree with me, but they can get stuffed. They know the way to the airport, and if they don’t, I’ll show them. So the message is clear even for you backpackers. Roll out the barbie, ensure the gas bottle's filled, stack the fridge full of lamb and prepare the invitation list.
So don't be Un-Australian, serve lamb on Australia Day. You know it makes sense. I'm Sam Kekovic.
All I have to say after this is - I want to thank you Slammin' Sam for giving us the road map to life.