Occasionally I report on sporting fixtures and someone set me the challenge yesterday of writing about the only date in history that everyone remembers...
Normans 3 - Saxons 0
In a result that will surely echo on through many summers future and annoy the merde out of history students for centuries to come, yesterday's fixture at the amusingly named town of Battle, just outside of Hastings, saw our lads suffer an absolute rout.
The Normans laid down the challenge early in the morning but our brave Briton lads under the command of Harold, remained encamped at the top of a hill and inside a wooden fortress. This would have been a good strategy because whoever holds the highest ground in battle is usually the victor and has the added advantage of being able to see more of the field of play.
In the early morning, the Normans tried an initial attack to open the fixture but soon found it difficult to advance up the hill to the wooden fortress and they quickly retreated so as to avoid running headlong into our Saxon pikes. Their troops also came into difficulty, especially those who did not have shields, when our lads hurled rocks and bricks at them. For those who doubt the practical benefits of playing at kricket, those doubts must surely be proven pointless, as a good kricket player can throw a rock or a brick with tremendous accuracy over a distance of many tens of yards.
By about noon, there was a lull in proceedings as both sides took their leave and regrouped. This general malaise in action is common to a lot of battles that we've seen over the years and if it lasts more than about half an hour, then it's almost like the play has been reset and both sides are able to claim the element of surprise if they achieve first strike. This is what the great tactician Harold was hoping for as pikemen were re-equipped with broadswords and axes. The plan was that the Normans wouldn't know what was going to hit them as a Saxon horde rumbled with sound and fury.
In the late afternoon and after the Normans had retreated back, our brave lads broke free of the fortress and thundered across the field and expected to slaughter them there and then. What we didn't count on though was that the Normans had brought along many newly trained archers and they picked us off with wave after wave of volleyed arrows, before we ever got there. After King Harold had been shot in the head by an arrow, right through his eyeball, we fell into a state of confusion and because they still had commanders mounted on horse, it was easy for them to pick us off and hack us down as many of us retreated in all directions and in cowardice.
Three goals were scored by those Norman knaves. Not only did they win the battle but they've succeeded in killing the king and taking government as a result. This is the kind of result which you'll be able to read about in the tapestries for years to come. No doubt that the tapestries will call their leader William The Conqueror" as he sweeps across southern part of this ancient island and subdues the various minor kingdoms and baronies but mark our words, he will be forever called "William The Bastard" and the people of this green and pleasant land will certainly not tolerate any more kings called William which might follow.
Some sections of the viewing galleries kept on singing out the praises of this new king, as they see him as a departure from the wave of Viking kings and kings with Egg in their names, like Eggbert, Eggread the Unready and Eggleston, who have ruled with an iron rod, a wooden like, and finally a sock full of custard. However, many people fear the upcoming changes which are going to be imposed which will change the names of meats to something vastly different from the animals from which they come from. For international, the nice Saxon word "cow" will be replaced by the word "bœuf" and the word "pig" will now become "porc".
William has also indicated that he wants to take stock of everything in his newly acquired kingdom and we fear that that day will be a veritable Dooms Day.