Horse 622 - Number One In The Hood G

You really have to wonder what went through the minds of the people at Cartoon Network when they originally comissioned 2 episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Esentially the show is about 3 bits of food who do stuff... literally 3 bits of food that do stuff. The 3 main protagonists are Frylock who is a packet of French Fries, Master Shake who is some sort of milkshake and Meatwad, a meatball.

Actually the whole name Aqua Teen Hunger Force doesn't really fit the show either. They don't really have much to do with the water other than hanging out in their neighbour's pool. None of them are teenagers, though Meatwad is decidedly childish and does have a doll made out of a toilet roll. Ok, so they may in fact be food but they're sentinet. Lastly, they don't actually appear to be any real kind of force.

Given this, it makes you wonder why Cartoon Network made the first two episodes with that kind of sales pitch. Thankfully they did, and 4 series later their bizarre antics are a staple as part of the Adult Swim lineup along with Sealab 2021 and Space Ghost.

Imagine my joy therefore when I learnt that a feature film is in production. 87 minutes of absolute absurdity with the equally daft name Aqua Teen Hunger Force: The Movie or The Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie For Theatres. I kid thee not!

Horse 621 - A Flash of Brilliance

This afternoon I sat down to scribble some notes for this edition of Horse by driving to Middle Head which is about 3 miles from where I work; plonked myself down on a hillside of clover and then watched as the ferries plied their way across the heads between Manly and forth and back to Circular Quay.

I was watching some red poppies bend in the light breeze and the only thing I could think of was that fable by Aesop where the sun and the wind had a contest to make a man take his coat off. Let me tell you that sitting there, the sun won.

At some point I must have fallen asleep because I remember waking up 20 minutes later the same way I do quite often. I'm sure my brain must be wired up wrong because every so often when I'm asleep, I'll be woken by what I think is a white flash and a horrid ringing in my ears - when this happened the first few times when I was about 16 I honestly thought that the world had come to an end.

Anyway, the point of this post is in that instant I reckon that I must have had some fantastic idea but when I came to and was fully awake, the idea was gone. It was quite literally a flash of brilliance, but only a flash - if it was a streak or a 12 part tele-series I wouldn't be here typing this but going out and making money off of it possibly, maybe... if it lent itself to that sort of thing.

Horse 620 - "The Knowledge" is Power

If you've ever been of even if you've never been to London then chances are than you will have heard of, seen or even been in one on the city's many famous iconic black cabs. The clattery diesel powered taxis have behind the wheel some of the most skilled operators in the world, for in order to qualify to even get a licence to operate a black cab they must spend a minimum of 49 weeks acquiring what is colloquially referred to as "The Knowledge".

The Knowledge is quite literally a knowledge of how to get from anywhere in the City of London to anywhere else and be able to recite it to a board of testers, bearing in mind what the shortest way to get there is and things on the ground such as one way streets, no right turn signs and the fact that in some part of London such as in Chelsea where indiviual blocks are referred to as mansions, then the name on one side of the street might be different to the other.

Various Satellite Navigation devices are now available on the market but even the best of these still pales in comparison with the London Cabbie's detailed knowledge of what is actually on the ground. Satnav devices although having been approved for use are still no match for the brain of a cabbie who it's been found via research at various universities that their Hippocampus (the part of the brain responsible for spatial awareness and in particular navigation) is significantly larger than in most people.

For the average cabbie, they have to be aware of about 320 standard routes as well as the locations of about 60 theatres, 50 embassies not to mention the location of many of London's 400 odd pubs.

Let's hope that for a long time to come, that London's famous black cabs will be continued to be powered by brain power rather than Intel.

Horse 619 - I Wish It Was About Football

Liverpool drew 1-1 last night against Israelli side Maccabi Haifa to put them through to the next round of the Champions League 3-2 on aggregate, but this was less about a display of football than a battle of political wills.

The match was held in Kyyv in the Ukraine after UEFA decided that the safety of players was a concern. Rather than fly into Haifa which at the time of the conflict would have been difficult given the Lebabon-Israel border conflict, it was decided that neutral territory would be used and Kyyv was selected because of its relatively large Jewish community.

The Israelli FA took offence at this and before the match accused UEFA of being racist and anti-semitic and specifically Liverpool FC of being afraid and "chicken" for not wanting to fly to Haifa which they contend was not actually being bombed at the time.

Has anyone actually told Israel why they're part of UEFA in the first place? The reason I thought would have been obvious. Israel like their immediate neighbours should logically be playing in Asia. Can you imagine the furore that would be created if an Israelli football team landed in say Tehran, Lebanon or Damascus to play a match? Eventually Israel would be drawn against an Arabic nation and the world of football is fraught with violence. Need I remind people of La guerra de fútbol which was a five-day war fought by El Salvador and Honduras in 1969 after the two nations came together for a qualifier for Mexico '70.

Israel are also ironically are part of the European Broadcasting Union. Most famously Dana International from Israel won the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest following much pre-contest hype and publicity due to the fact that she is a male-to-female transsexual.

I really don't understand why Israel is so intent on chipping Europe. Someone a long time ago wrote: I have seen this people, and behold, it is a stiff-necked people. This rings true today and I for one am thankful that Liverpool knocked out Maccabi Haifa. Not because I'm anti-semitic, but because I happen to think that getting on with playing football is a far better pursuit than political will... and that small matter that I happen to be a Liverpool fan.

Horse 618 - I Saw the Sign

You all know the people I mean: The ones who don't park straight, leave grubby head marks on the train windows, eat smelly food in class, people who stare at you funny, the boring people who rabbit on and on with inane chatter just to fill in their mundane lives.
Well guess what? Mosman Municipal Council has just erected a sign that says:

No Gits or Hobos in This Park

Now it's obvious that it's meant for a wee joke and is probably part of the Mosman Cultural and Arts Festival but wouldn't it be neat it they could legitimately erect and enforce such a sign. Now Mosman isn't renowned for its Hobo population but there are a lot of rather pompous Gits around. Perhaps the idea could be extended?

No Prudes or Snitchnoses - 9:30am - 12:30am Mon - Fri

Silly People and Looneys Only - Sat & Sun

Uglies and Boombahs - One Way

Deranged Keyboard Typers - By Permit Only

It got me thinking about the actual signs that say "No Hawkers and Canvassers" and whether that applies to people who engage in certain types of Falconry and Tentmakers. I marvel at the "No Hard Ball Games" signs and wonder if they mean Pelota and Hurling which are very hard indeed. I'm even thankful that "Alcohol Free Zone" doesn't mean that the council is giving away free schnapps for that might attract the Hobos and the Gits.

But what really gets my goat is the absolute ineptitude of our Police Forces and our Legal System. After all these years and countless sightings of "Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted", it simply makes me mad that Mr Posters has not been brought to justice despite repeated assurances. He must be an evil evil person I assume... or else a Git and a Hobo.

Horse 617 - Thorpey

5 time Olympic Champion, 11 time Long Course World Champion, Twice Short Course World Champion, 9 times Pan Pacific Champion, 10 times Commonwealth Games Champion, 2000 Young Australian of the Year and an Order of Australia Medal... that's impressive.

In the world of swimming, Ian Thorpe has done better than anyone else for Australia... well ever really. Yet as far as the media is concerned, he's fair game to ridicule when it comes to issues of weight (which I'm now sick of hearing in the news) and then have the nerve to accuse him of not trying hard enough. At age 23 he's done far more than most people do in their lifetime and I think that he owes this country nothing. As a sportsman he has had to bear the pressures of the media now for 8 years plus and despite this has made the country proud.

I say that collectively as a nation we should let the chap do whatever he wants, give the man keys to every city and erect a statue on Olympic Boulevarde. The Thorpedo is probably one of Australia's top five all-time sporting heroes. His name would have no problem sitting along side Dawn Fraser, Don Bradman and Rod Laver; if the chap doesn't want to swim anymore then who are we to judge? Australia needs to grow up a bit here, so that Thorpey can go back and live the childhood stolen from him - which may or may not include going for a swim.

Horse 616 - From the Courtroom

Whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.

Let's take this into the courtroom. God is sitting in the judge's chair with a massive gavel and with a list of charges; elsewhere we're told that Satan is like the Prosecuting QC with a list of accusations day and night. Assume for me that you're an über-gut-person and guilty of a mere one sin a day. Multiply this over 365 days and on average 76 years and you have a list of 27,740 offences. Now I don't know about you but if this actually were an opening address by a Prosecuting QC, I'd take one minute to summarise each and every charge. To do this would take 19 days without breaks and that's before any evidence was taken.

Guess what? The evidence is not only obtainable, but provable. No defence counsel in their right mind would ever consider to take on such a case, they'd have to be an absolute looney. The judge when presented with the evidence would ask for a plea to be made and the judgement passed. Christ acts as our defence counsel for an impossible to defend set of charges. What does he do to defend the charges? Literally nothing.

Another tactic is taken. Since we're obviously guilty beyond doubt, then the judgement made must carry a penalty. In our courtroom several interesting things happen. Firstly Christ tells us to stand behind him; God as the judge who looks down at proceedings no longer sees us, but His Son standing in front of Him. Next to prove that the penalty has been paid, Christ hold up His hands to the judge. Those hands bear the marks of nails being driven through them; thus the penalty of death which is imposed by the court, is proven to have already been paid.

The judge looks down at his receipt book and grabs a big red stamp. PAID IN FULL is mashed over the penalty for the charges and the trial is adjourned exeunt. The devil leaves defeated and walks off knowing that eventually he'll have to answer his own charges eventually. We walk off with Christ who decides that our clothes are a bit shabby and dead looking, so gets us some new threads and a new body to boot.

Do you honestly think you can pay for the services of the defence counsel? Would you rather defend yourself in court and pay the fine? You do have a choice in this.

For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men — the testimony given in its proper time.

I don't apologise for this story. I am not ashamed.

Horse 615 - ***casting

Now that we have enetered the digital age and the ability the transmit audio via the internet, the phenomenon of podcasting (a portmanteau of that brand named MP3 player and broadcasting) has really taken off especially over the last 2 years. However as far as I can tell, most of these podcasts are replays of the inane chatter of radio DJ's in between the music that they play sans the music for copyright reasons. By this logic there should be a massive market out there for other content on the radio.

Fishing Programs and Coastal Weather Reports telling anglers and other people interested in piscene pursuits would be happy to hear about the location of where the best spots are and other information such as currents and tides. These would be known as Rodcasts or more specifically Codcasts.

Gardeners and other people with a green thumb such as farmers and horticuluralists might like to know about new fertilisers, when the best time to plant crops and seeds is. They might be kept up to the minute by Sodcast.

60s rockers and people who like to get about on motor scooters; other people who wish to recreate the era of Swingin London Town would be well advised to listen to Modcasts.

The technology could even be applied to the church. Every week at Toonie, the sermon is recorded in real time onto CD. It could therefore be possible to rip Roger and Deano's sermons to MP3 and publish these on the web as Godcasts.

So next time your parents tell you to turn down that infernal racket because it might do damage to your ears, simply tell them that what you're listening to is content directed. Perhaps you might like to make you own: If you happen to be a fan of the greatest cricketer of all time, you might wish to publish audio of some of Bradman's greatest highlights and become a Doncaster yourself.

Horse 614 - Not Even Solomon

I want you to go outside and find something really really boring for me. Keep on walking around the place until you find a sunflower. Now I don't know if you've actually bothered to look at one in close detail but take a closer look today.

Sunflowers are mathematical marvels. Firstly you'll find a series of spirals that head outwards from the centre. Not only this but in both directions, both clockwise and anti-clockwise, but also in the same direction at upwards of 5 angles of incidence. Only the Allianz Arena in Munich comes close to this sort of complexity.

Next I want you to do some counting. Why is it that the number of petals in a flower is often one of the following numbers: 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34 or 55? For example, the lily has three petals, buttercups have five of them, the chicory has 21 of them, the daisy has often 34 or 55 petals, etc.

Furthermore, when one observes the heads of sunflowers and one notices the series of curves, one winding in one sense and one in another; the number of spirals not being the same in each sense. Why is the number of spirals in general either 21 and 34, either 34 and 55, either 55 and 89, or 89 and 144? The same for pinecones - why do they have either 8 spirals from one side and 13 from the other, or either 5 spirals from one side and 8 from the other? Finally, why is the number of diagonals of a pineapple also 8 in one direction and 13 in the other?

Are these numbers the product of chance? No! They all belong to the Fibonacci sequence: 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144, etc. (where each number is obtained from the sum of the two preceding). A more abstract way of putting it is that the Fibonacci numbers fn are given by the formula f1 = 1, f2 = 2, f3 = 3, f4 = 5 and generally f n+2 = fn+1 + fn . For a long time, it had been noticed that these numbers were important in nature, but only relatively recently that one understands why. It is a question of efficiency during the growth process of plants.

Plants are incredibly compact machines. The fibonacci series of numbers roughly follow the Golden Ratio, but more importantly they're irrational. This means that there will never be any straight lines when it comes to growing seed heads. Straight lines lead to increased shade and if you happen to be a small device that loves the sun, you'd want as much of stuff as possible.

Sneaky little things... not even Solomon was wise enough to work out that.

Horse 613 - Yay for Astrology... er... yay?

Astrology has always been one of those things that's fascinated me. Not because the stars might hold the answers but because of just how much gullible people would rather believe anything than actually admit that they might be responsible to a higher power i.e God. The things whizzing above their heads might do more than the highly intelligent Chap who built and knows them all by name?

Once upon a time the universe was small and compact. Gallileo was a heretic for looking through his telescope and finding that Jupiter had moons of its own that weren't going around the earth. Mercury, Venus, Earth, The Moon, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn were the keepers of the sky who wandered through the Zodiac; sometimes moving backwards but regulating people's lives.
In 1781 Uranus appeared in telescopes and the world changed. In 1846 Neptune changed things again and then in 1930 Pluto yet again stuffed up astrological charts. Since 2003 Xena, Santa, Quaoar, Orcus and Sedna have cropped up as candidates for planets - all of which brings Pluto into disrepute.

What then for the poor astrologer who now has to tabulate upwards of 29 planets in their calculations? I've just have a look and found that planet U2005²¹²/3 was moving through the constellation of Bruno the Garbageman when you were born. I can't say I feel sorry for these people. If scientists can't define what a planet is, then astrologers shouldn't be allowed to rip-off stupid people.

Astrology may have provided a road map to look into the night sky, but that map is now hopelessly inadequate. With ever increasing ability to look into it, we find more and more stuff that's more bizarre and more beautiful than before. The heavens just don't declare the glory of His name, they YELL.

Horse 612 - It's Just Not Logical, Is It?

You know who you are, let's just think through this thing logically shall we?

If you assume that Christ hadn't risen from the dead, wouldn't the 12 have formed some sort of sub-executive committee and then planned their next move? Wouldn't you have at least made the story believable if you were going to cover it up?

Think about it you've got Peter, James and John sitting around. Wouldn't it at least have made sense to say that they were waiting around the tomb for the prophecy to be fulfilled? Doesn't it then make sense to have a nice little ego massage and have Christ say "Here I am as promised. What good servants you are for believing what I've said and then waiting for me. I'll tell you what, I'll nip off to heaven for a bit and let you lot set up a massive church for me, despite the problems the Jews & Romans will give you." That would have been more heroic eh?

No, instead you've got the 12 cowering off in some room somewhere; it was the women who first saw the risen Christ. Remember this, in both Jewish and Roman societies, women's evidence wasn't admissable in a court of law. Why then would you have them report it to the rest of them?
This would be positively laughable, who'd honestly take the story seriousy? Then you have to ask the fairly obvious question as to why they'd bother to fight so hard for this lie that they fabricated? Several were whipped to death, a few were killed by the sword, more were crucified (Peter probably upside-down) and Paul was beheaded in the reign of Nero at about AD67. If I was going to come up with a lie, I'd almost certainly reneg on it before I was killed.

If you were going to invent such a story, you'd fix it up to cover yourself in a better light surely? If you got even the Koran, Christianity's biggest detractor it would seem, not only mentioning Jesus but giving him a high place of esteem: that's probably about another billion people you're claiming as liars. The Koran even goes so far as to rubbish the story because it's so dangerous.

Either Christ did what He did (in which case the consequences of such are massive) or else for the last 2000 years a lie has been foisted on us, fought for, had milllions die and is now in part cause of a great deal of wars in the world.

Where's the logic in that?

Horse 611 - END IT NOW - THE LOT OF YOU

Isn't it funny how a day like September 11 lives on in the memory but August 15 which is invariably far more important even in just the 20th Century somehow gets forgotten. One very important thing happened on August 15 and it be explained by the acronym: VP

August 15 1945 was the official end to World War 2. On this day the terms of surrender were finally laid out and the end of hostilities happened. You might think that 5000 odd in attacks of three buildings were important but that accounts for about 0.02% of the 250,000,000 who died as a result of the bloodiest set of conflicts the world has ever seen.

250,000,000 people who were fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters; I don't care which side of the war you happen to support, all of them died however heroically in essentially pointless terms. The will of people who put ideals ahead of the lives of millions have something to answer for.

This is my reminder to people today:

Israel
Lebanon
Iraq
USA
Australia
UK
Iran
Afghanistan
Nigeria
Pakistan
Sudan
Chad
Sri Lanka
Colombia
Thailand
Côte d'Ivoire
Turkey
Indonesia
Nepal
India
Laos
Uganda
Phillipines

and any other country that thinks it's a good idea to be at war and kill people -

You are all criminally stupid!
Killing people for any reason is wrong!

The governments of all and sundry I have listed have my current scorn.

August 15 is a grand day, because people finally got sick of killing each other...

AND STOPPED

Horse 609 - Snakes on a Plane? Not Allowed!

The world by now knows about plans for as many as 11 aircraft bound for the USA and British Police arrests of 20+ suspects. Heathrow airport is in utter chaos as even more stringent security measures are put in place such as banning liquids in hand luggage (goodbye water, duty free alcohol, soft drinks, deodorant, toothpaste), banning all flammable items from hand luggage (goodbye newspapers, books, chocolate bar wrappers, tobacco, teddy bears) and electronic devices (goodbye laptops, iPods, Walkmans, Discmans, Gameboys, watches). In fact things are so severe that people may be asked to remove coats, ties and shoes etc.

In all of this what the media, the police and MI5 have failed to mention is WHEN these purported attacks are supposedly to have occured. All that has been stated so far is that evidence has been uncovered but because of security issues the nature of what sort of evidence and details of logistics can not be released.
At best all we've been officially told is that they were "only days away from a first test", at least this is what MI5 has released.
Now of course I realise that by actually telling us information that a certain degree of secrecy is removed and the ability to be able to carry out a search may be impaired but I want to ask exactly what sort of timeframe we are talking about here. For instance I have details of documented evidence of a plan to destory the Houses of Parliament whilst that are sitting. It involves low grade explosive to be carried into the cellars under cover of nightfall. Moreover, the evidence I have has been independantly verified to be true and correct.


Details to come:

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Have you worked it out yet?
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Of course regular subscribers to these reports will have realised that I refer to none other than a foiled plot which was to have been carried out on November 5... 1605! (exclamation point not factorial 1605 which although rendered as 1605! actually equals approx. 5.58 x 10^4449) My point is that if it has in fact taken say 5 years to come up with enough evidence suitable for an arrest and subsequent conviction, then holding up travellers now is well beyond reason.

What does it actually benefit normal people and travellers when the people responsible have probably already come up with a more devious plan? For arguments sake (and I'm not suggesting this by any stretch of the imagination) a "device" could be sealed in a shipping container at any given cargo port and sent to any other cargo port and remain undetected for extended periods of time before going off with hurrendous force. Just imagine something with 30 times the power of Little Boy or Fat Man on a container ship making its way silently up the Hudson. From the outside it would look like any other container but if controlled by remote could blow apart every building in New York City without even the merest hint of suspicion.

What I am getting at I suppose is that travellers on board a plane have far less potential for destruction than a ship from say Lagos, where security would be far less stringent. So although I admire the vigilance by law enforcement and civil defence forces, I don't think you'll be able to stop a full scale, organised terrorist attack on any named point on the planet... and that's scary.

For the record: I think that the chances of a terrorist nuclear attack within my lifetime are between 90 and 100%

Horse 608 - Who Ate All The Pies?

Who Ate All the Pies?
Who Ate All the Pies?
You skinny daughter of the Lord Mayor of Perth
You skinny daughter of the Lord Mayor of Perth
You Ate All the Pies!

So maybe that's not how the football chant goes but it is the truth. Former Miss Universe entrant for Australia and the daughter of the Lord Mayor of Perth, Edwina Joyce Nattrass was fined $300 by a magistrate and now has a criminal record for the crime of stealing 3 Meat Pies from an IGA Supermarket.

Isn't it funny how everyone in this country is so easily able to steer the fault in her direction and ignore what could be lots of other thefts in their own life. We seem to have this inbuilt knowledge that stealing is wrong, even for something minor.

If I steal a loaf of bread to feed my starving family, is that wrong?

Well obviously... YES. Theft is wrong. Besides, who in all likelyhood is actually going to steal bread to feed their starving family anyway? Even in the Third World* people know it's wrong. Theft is theft. Edwina the Lord Mayor of Perth's daughter said that she was was also starving when she stole the pies. Pies? Bread? What's the difference?

As further proof that crime doesn't pay Miss Nattrass was fined $300.00, $100.70 in court costs and lastly... you guessed it $11.70 for the pies.

Only in Oz eh?

Horse 607 - Census 2006 - Australia Counts

Tonight is a very important night for Australia. Tonight is the night when we take the national Census and get a snapshot of what life is like in this wide brown land. In case you haven't opened the packet and filled in all the questions yet, this is a sneak preview of what you can expect to find.

Personal
1. Who are ya?
2. Where d'ya live?
3. Are you a Bloke or a Sheila?
4. Ball-&-Chained, Living-In-Sin or Irresponsible?
5. Are you Shane Warne?
6. How many Ankle-Biters have you got?
7. Are you a Blood-Nut?
8. Are you an Aboriginal or Torres-Straight Islander?
9. Which country were you born in?
- OZ
- NZ
- Other
10. Which nationality are you?
- Dinky-Di Aussie
- Sheep People
- Whinging Pom
- Dodgy, Shifty, Scary
- Boat People
11. Are you here illegally?

Income & Standard of Living
12. How much dosh did you make last year?
13. How much did you tell the Taxman?
14. Who owns your house?
- I do. The Great Australian Dream.
- The Bastard Banks
- A Dragon Landlord
15. Which social class do you belong to?
- Feral
- Battler
- Bogan
- Aspirational
- Uppity
- Snob
- Richard Branson
16. How do you get to work?
- Tollway
- Tollway
- Tollway
- I can't afford the tollway, so I use the sardine tins you call trains, trams and buses
- I'm a hippie
17. How often is your train, tram or bus service?
- I don't know, because I live in an uppity area and don't use them
- Less than 25 mins (I'm lying)
- Less than an hour (I'm still lying)
- Whenever they feel like
- The Government hasn't built any
18. Do you have Private Medical Insurance?
- Yes, I'm uppity
- Yes, but it's not very good
- No, I can't afford it
- No, I can't afford it
- No, I can't afford it
19. How far away is your Nearest Public Hospital?
- I don't know, because I live in an uppity area and don't use them
- Less than 25 mins (I'm lying)
- Less than an hour (I'm still lying)
- It doesn't matter because the waiting time in Emergency is 5 hours and for elective surgery the queue is about 4 years
20. How far away is your Nearest Public School?
- I don't know, because I live in an uppity area and don't use them
- Less than 25 mins (I'm lying)
- Less than an hour (I'm still lying)
- I don't know, because my kids don't want to go to school so they run feral

Religion
21. Religion I
- Manly
- Collingwood
- Normal People
- Wogball
22. Religion II
- Ford
- Holden
- Rice Power
- Uppity Toff Nose
23. Religion III
- Wakko
- Terrorist
- Nothing
- Jedi

General
24. Did the dingoes really take Lindy's baby?
25. Are you sure you' re not Shane Warne?
26. Is Rove funny?
27. Do you think that Bert's hair is real?
28. Should Daryl Somers give up?
29. Do you care who won Big Brother?
30. Do you like Eddie Maguire?
- No
- No
- Can I phone a friend?
- I am Eddie Maguire
31. Should we get rid of Queensland?
32. Do you like John Howard?
33. Why don't you like John Howard?
34. Aw, please. He'll be your friend. Do you like John Howard now?
lastly...
35. You're not Shane Warne are you?
- If so, how are you able to read this?
- If not, then good.

Remember to answer all questions truthfully except if you happen to be Shane Warne, John Howard or Lindy Chamerlain's baby. Together, we all count.

Horse 606 - Stupid Stupid People!

Oi Stupidheads - Yeah you Galatians! Has someone now put some sort of evil spell on you? I want to know one thing from you; how were you given God's Spirit? Was it by obeying the Law of Moses or by hearing about Christ and having faith in him? How can you be so stupid? Do you think that by yourself you can complete what God's Spirit started in you? Have you gone through all of this for nothing? Is it all really for nothing? God gives you his Spirit and works miracles in you. But does he do this because you obey the Law of Moses or because you have heard about Christ and have faith in him? - Galatians 3:1-5 REV (Rollo Exasperated Version)

If there ever was an emotive piece in the Bible then this is it. You can just imagine Paul going "Bah! You're all so stupid... it's not that hard! How many... dah... idiots!", then tearing out what little hair he had left. If Romans is a detailed explanation of how the gospel works then this is the "It's so simple - why don't you get it?" passage.

I bet that the original of this was written in really awful handwriting. Mass scribbles as though the pen was being forced into the paper. Admittedly I'm not a scholar and people can tell me if the note in Chapter 6 refers to what bits, but it's literally times like this that you just want to hit people over the head with the Bible and yell at them for being so dumb.

I've met people like this. You tell them the gospel and it seems that they understand and then want to add stuff. Or think that somehow they can work up enough Frequent Flyer points or earn a Skippy Badge to get in. Isn't a man dying a horrid death on two bits of wood good enough? If not, why not? Sometimes you just want to cheer along with Paul as he writes to the churches, but then you quickly realise that he's actually writing to us as well.

The Gospel is simple people!

A man died so that you don't have to. How hard is it to get that through your thick skulls?!!

Stupidheads! Bah! - Are we really any different to the Galatians?

344?

^_^

Horse 605 - CityRail, The New Bored Game

"CityRail" is an addictive live role-playing game played by millions of Sydney-Siders every day beneath the streets of Sydney. For the price of a single-journey ticket, "commuters" (as game participants are called) are armed with a laser gun and a truncheon and must hack their way through hordes of the undead, such as zombies, vampires, ninjas and other commuters. The aim of the game is to battle your way through the crowds of commuters to get from "A to B" however, every player in the game is assigned individual mission cards which tell them which two points serve as A and B for them as well as the price of admission to the game.

Various spanners are thrown in the works by the managers in order to make the game more difficult and challenging for the role-player. These include:

• Trains breaking down in the middle of tunnels.
  
• Trains coming anywhere up to half an hour late, with no explanation or apology.
  
• Fines for having the wrong ticket/mission card.
  
• Unhelpful and occasionally abusive "station attendants".
  
• Poisonous air with little oxygen.
  
• Rogue commuters who possibly have no ticket/mission cards of their own and who will try to steal from others.
  
• Other commuters who will make the game unpleasant by sporting various enhancements like smelly food, self-generating body odour as well as chemicals in their heads making it difficult to see out of the windows.
  
• Ungrateful transit employees going on strike and shutting the place down because they feel they are not paid enough to sit on their butt all day.
  

A recent survey by the NSW Department of Health, specifically the Mental Health Division, concluded that the live-action game was immoral in that it bullies its players with such tactics and creates increased psychological stress, aggression and even mental breakdowns. They recommended that the game be banned on mental health grounds.

A government health watchdog also said that chest and bronchial problems amongst Sydney-Sider had increased ten-fold since the introduction of the game, and recommended that tunnels be cleaned up "to prevent a potential public health catastrophe". CityRail was unavailable for comment as their media spokesman's train had broken down, and their deputy commissioner had been taken to hospital suffering from chest spasms.

Various plans are afoot to make the game even more complicated with the addition of extra routes and mission cards as well as compatibility with a new aspect of the game currently under development called "LightRail". A similar and simpler game exists in Melbourne which may be accessed by use of Metcard Systems - the two parts are known as Connex and Yarra Tram; but as yet commuters are not armed with laser guns.

Horse 604 - I Laugh At Gossip!

Ha! Ha ha ha! Heh heh m Heh Heh!

I got home after running around chasing a football last night to my sister who looked very very worried indeed. Apparantly people at her work had said nasty things about me, and that she'd spent the best part of an hour trying to defend me. She cut up pretty rough over the whole thing and especially didn't like my attitude to this affair which was summed up with my single word response...

So?

I hurriedly explained that this was what I had to say about these people and about not her actions which were quite noble, but it made me think that my attitude in this light was even more correct. Not only did I not ask what was being said, or ask whom it was being said by, I couldn't be bothered to care either.

For I care not about what people I don't know and have never met, think about me. Should I? After working in environments of mass bitchiness and gossip in the Law Courts, I quickly learnt that reputation is actually far less important than what people make out. In fact I used to take this even further because on occasion where I found out what was being said, I'd find the person who'd been stirring up gossip and do precisely what they'd been saying in pure spite.

I remember being once accused by someone in the office, let's call her Susan (because that happens to be the first name I thought of), that I explained things in too much detail, but she was doing this behind my back. One day Susan asked me how to make double-sided & stapled copies of folded A4 documents with the photocopier (which in theory is quite difficult anyway), so I took the opportunity to explain this to her right down to the nth degree and then watched as mayhem ensued as she went around the office spreading this bit of gossip to all and sundry.
About 4 days later someone else asked me how to do the same thing; but I noticed that about 15 seconds later I had an audience of about 12 people all watching and right in the middle of the group was Susan. Realising this I stood in front of the photocopier and said: "You press this, this and this for 30 copies". 30 neat copies spat out of the machine to rapturous applause and Susan went off in a huff - thus I proved that gossip when spun on its head can be like an unexploded land mine.

There are people in this world who derive entertainment from gossip and rumour, one merely needs to scan a newsagents to see the ragazines* every week. I don't think if was some celebrity whether I'd adopt a much different attitude to what I have now. I mean who really cares anyway? It can all be summed up in that one word...

So?

*Yes, I deliberately made this portmanteau.

Bonus 3-Day Holiday

Someone pointed out that the next three days are all PC Holidays!
2-8-6
3-8-6
4-8-6
... er... carry on.

Actually, no. GET A MAC!!!

Horse 603 - Just for Laughs

Belly Laughs are called this because they originate deep down in the gut of certain people. They happen when you tell a particularly funny joke or else something intensely amusing happens. For this reason I would hate to be a comedian in front of an audience of fat people. You might be telling jokes for upwards of two and a half hours before even the merest titter could be raised; then when you finally do get the desired belly laughs they would be so powerful that they'd blow you off your feet and knock-in the stage you were on causing lights to fall from overhead girders and big red stage curtains to fall into a dribbly velvet heap.

So I suppose the only truly reliable method of obtaining belly laughs would be to take yourself along to a cosmetic surgeon's where they perform liposuction. Once you've arrived at said place you can then ask the proprietor if you can collect the lardy innards of the patients who have visited. Having obtained a sufficiently large quantity of this material, I'd then find a Space Hopper or other childrens bouncy device and then fill it with this hideous substance.

You should be able to merrily hop around the district and listen for the howls of laughter emminating from your adipose jumping device. In this way, you should be able to get all the Belly Laughs you require and if you're really good, win some sort of World Championship of Belly Laughs bouncing thing.

Horse 602 - Sexy Little Italian?

We all should know by now of the brilliant television show Top Gear by the BBC and currently shown on SBS. Every week Jeremy Clarkson with his unique brand of pomposity slates, berates, denigrates and occasionally accolades the produce of the automotive world. Known for his love of big massive loud cars that cause an oil crisis it's not surprising that on the "Cool Wall" rating cars from "Cool" to "Naff" the two coolest cars in the world in his opinion are the Vauxhall Monaro and the Aston Martin DB9.

Imagine then the shock, horror and utter confusion when in a survey by Top Gear and published in the magazine, the World's Sexiest Car was decided. Let's just say that the winner fit most of the regular criteria because she was dressed in red, hot-blooded, and Italian...





Scroll down...





Keep going...




Nearly there...







And this is the winner. The Fiat 500. This petite Italian temptress beat such other dames as the Aston Martin DBS, and three other belle signore in the Maserati Quattroporte, Alfa Brera and Ferrari Enzo. Usually you'd expect some other grand lady to win a coveted prize such as this but with rising petrol prices and snarling traffic, perhaps people are willing to trade in the high-octane pheremones and the ability to flash down the motorway at +150mph for a bit of chic and cheeky vita matta.

Top Gear editor James May says of the Fiat 500 that it, "advertises nothing about its owner, except that it's someone who doesn't need to try. So you look, and you know. You would, wouldn't you?"

What's also interesting is that Fiat themselves intend to repeat the two-card trick with a release of the new Fiat 500 next year and unlike the New Mini that isn't very mini at all and the New Beetle which contains no dak-dak noise, the Nuevo 500 promises to live nicely alongside it's forebears.

There are other twists to this. The 500 was by Lupin III, the protagonist of the Lupin the 3rd series and movies and with a bit of careful product placement, Luigi in the Disney/Pixar film Cars also happens to be a 1959 Fiat 500.
On that note, Sally Carrera a Porsche 911 also from the Disney/Pixar film Cars, came 10th in the survey. Thus...

1. Fiat 500.
2. Aston Martin DBS.
3. Maserati Quattroporte.
4. Chevrolet Camaro.
5. Citroen C6.
6. Lincoln Continental.
7. Bentley Continental S1 Fastback.
8. BMW M1.
9. Rolls-Royce Phantom.
10. Sally the Porsche 911 Carrera (from the Pixar film Cars).

People may say "but they're only cars!", well maybe...

ph34r t3h cut3 0N3$

Horse 601 - Am I A Professional?

This post come to you live from Myer Bourke St from the city of eternal rain, Melbourne.

Yesterday I was at a self-published artists festival for manga and other assorted comic type stuff. As my mega-epic still isn't finished or the website set up yet (though I am dangerously close) I went and draw some 16 page yon-koma short comics and sold those.

I sold all 40 copies of both that I had before 12pm after the con had started at 10am. Now I wouldn't consider this anything to holler about considering that I shan't break even oin the trip even before taking into consideration travelling costs, but at least my name is out there, and people in the world who may have spheres of influence have seen what a bizarre little world resides within the four walls of my mind.

My sister who had a last check over it before I took it down thought that it was kinda of quirky but looked really cute. I've also had people at the con make mention that it's totally different to the range of ornate comics which they'd seen earlier that day.

I think I'm starting to know my place in the landscape of this world. Hopefully in times to come I'll be more than just a hot-dog stand on the motorway. Hey, if Dinosaur Comics can produce 3 years of work without any changes in graphic, then it's not such a silly dream.

Horse 600 - Roll Credits

Before I go any further I should like to point out that I spent most of last night carefully considering my first words for this edition of Horse because I realised that they had to be quite prolific, so then, here it goes:

Welcome to Horse 600.

Fin.

Ende.

Starring in no particular order:

Katja Stolle
Rabbi Wolfgang
The Prawny Bard
Roberto del Celicacio
Triple T Kate
Kat Aclysm
Baron von Wienerdog
The Count
Emporer Alpatine
Boxhead
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq
Markus Zeta
Jules Veronica
Derik Derik Derik

avec

Queen Victoria
Erika Hayasawa
White Ninja
Strong Bad
Imhotep (who is invisible)

et

Sir Winston Churchill

Gaffer
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

Sound Engineering
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

Post-Production
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

Cine-Camera
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

3rd Unit
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

Set Designer
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

Locations Manager
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

Costumes & Finery
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

Assistant to Mr des Soixante-Dix-Cinq
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

produced by
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

directed by
Rollo des Soixante-Dix-Cinq

No animals were mistreated or maimed during the filming of this motion picture. A cat got hurt and someone shot a duck but really that's it.

Cameras and Lenses by
Panavision

This Film was shot on 135mm film provided by Kodak

All motor vehicles provided by the Ford Motor Company

The Soundtrack for this film is available on Parlephone Records by EMI.

This film was shot on location in:

London, Liverpool, Port-of-Spain, Athens, Wagga Wagga, Ulan Bator, Paris, Insmulen, Singlefinden, Shefield, Epping, Wapping, The Solomon Islands, Akihabara, Winnipeg, Medicine Hat, Orange, Zurich & Lagos.

The producers would like to thank the people of Nigeria for sending us $14,000,569.14 from a deceased estate which was resting in our bank account (which you'll never ever see again) which made the production of this film possible.

This has been an Imhotep is Invisible production

in association with

BBC Radio 1, France 3, NBC, ABC 2, TVNZ, The Fairfax Group, The Japan Times, Fuji Television, Sky Networks, DW, TVE, RAI, the EBU and the Wagga Wagga Advocate
for Soixante-Dix-Cinq Films Ltd.

(c) 2006
Dolby 8.1 in Selected Cinemas
Rated U

Horse 599 - Thinking of You

I got one of those darling little chain emails the other day filled with nuff-nuff sentiment that when you seriously look at it doesn't really stack up. I must admit that it is a departure from the usual parade for - Cheap Meds, Online University Degrees, emails informing me that my privatii don't work properly and emails from people with names like Aloyisious N'Zogba Djemba Djemba.
The email had pictures of bunnies, duckies and teddy bears in it, so I suspect it was designed for the sorts of people who have Camrys with rear parcel shelves covered in soft toys and "Back Off - I'm Trouble" and do 15 to 20 below the speed limit in the fast lane. Of note was the following line:

"Every night before they go to sleep, somebody thinks of you" There's the obvious fluffy sentiment there but I had a think about this and thought "is this something I really want?". I picture several possible scenarios here.

Firstly, why are they thinking about me before they go to sleep? Am I that dull and boring that I act like Horlicks? Is there an insomniac in the world who either can't find a drug or has found that my ramblings are so sleep inducing that they nod off? Does the same principle apply to when I'm giving a speech and the people in the audience fall asleep? What about preachers? Does this mean that it's not their sermons but rather that the people in the congregation were thinking of them?

Alternatively, am I keeping people awake? I know that I'm hillarious and should be given an Emmy, Oscar, Logie or a BAFTA for my comedy skills but seriously, fall asleep... please. What if for some reason I'm really scary and that's why they can't sleep?

For this thing to work properly I figure that there needs to be ratios and balances in action. This means that in all likelyhood that people are paired off. What happens if there's an odd number of people in the world? Some poor soul in Tajikistan is going to be sitting up in their bed crying "I can't sleep, no-one's thinking about me". Is thought comminicative? If so, are those people who've been saying for the last 50 years that the government is sending mind-control messages through the TV correct?

The scary thing is that I believe this theory, wanna know why? Well, the next time to happen to get an email from Sherwyn Issingxme!nz of Nigeria informing you that their uncle has died and has USD19,000,475.14 that if they don't get your bank account details so you can "hold the money for 14 days" for them, it probably is a scam. If then you jokingly say "I don't know how you can live with yourself Mr Nigeria Man, I hope you sleep well tonight" - then chances are that they probably will, because let's face it - they were thinking of you.

Horse 598 - A Roll is a Roll and a Toll is a Toll

This is a picture of possibly one of the most beautiful sights in the world. No it isn't the river or even the bridge in the background, but that yellow sign in front advising people that the toll booths are gone. Look how happy all of those people are. Now they can scoot along merrily at 50mph without having to fumble for change and without paying extra to use something which they've already paid for.

Tolls are being scrapped on the Erskine Bridge but will remain on the Tay and Forth bridges in Scotland, I read on the BBC. The Erskine Bridge toll will be scrapped on 31 July. The Ministry of Transport further rejected plans to increase the fee on the Forth Road Bridge from £1 to £4 at peak times and they've also agreed to start planning for a replacement Forth crossing at South Queensferry.

I think that this is a brilliant idea myself. Personally I really really hate paying tolls on turnpikes and motorways; I personally find the whole concept repugnant and horrible and an affront to the good people who use the roads. The various Transport Authorities are put in place around the world to make life easier. In particular in Sydney, this idea went out the window a long time ago, and new private motorways are being built using the public purse and at great expense to the taxpayer. In the midst of this, the private operators get free licence to rape the wallets of the poor motorist, who already forks over 70% of the cost of petrol in other taxes.

This is the list of charges for using the motorways in Sydney:

M1 Eastern Distributor - $4.50 - Northbound
M1 Cross City Tunnel - $3.56 - both directions
M2 Harbour Tunnel - $3.30 - Southbound
M2 Harbour Bridge - $3.30 - Southbound
M2 $3.80 - both directions
M2 Gore Hill Tunnel - $2.00 - both directions (opens Nov 2006)
M4 $2.20 - both directions
M5 $3.30 - both directions
M7 $0.3033 per kilometer capped at $6.07

This is just for cars mind you, for trucks it's usually doubled.

This is only within the confines of Sydney. As soon as you leave Sydney the roads cease to be of Motorway quality. Worse is that all of these motorways are owned by different companies, so the money doesn't even go to NSW State Revenue but private coffers, who still have no real interest in the well-being of taxpayers. Then the State Government has the audacity to steadily increase the road tax despite not building any new roads of its own.

What I want to know is, why should I be forced to pay a toll to use a road when I'm already paying a road tax in the first place? If it isn't being spent on roads (well obviously its not, since all new motorways are private) then what the heck are my road taxes for?

Horse 597 - On Books

In the local library near where I work there is a sign which says "Please Be Quiet in the Library". Now I had always wondered about this sign and the almost ironic placement of it.

Right next door to the library is a ramshackled house which has been approved for demolition; consequently just outside the window is a steady stream of jackhammer, bulldozer and concrete mixer noises. Obviously since they're outside the library they're not under any complusion to be quiet at all.

I also thought about the other extreme case here where a little lady in horn rimmed glasses with a blue rinse beesnest hair cut and wielding a well worn copy of a Barbara Cartland novel would go outside and in one of those high pitched whiny voices yell "Look here sonny Jim. Don't you know that people in here are trying to read and don't need lollygaggers and flibityjibbits like you polluting our ears with that cacophony"

There must be something special about people who are surrounded by books. Last night I was in Borders and had bought a textbook, so I decided to visit their coffee shop and read the opening blurb. Nearly 45 minutes later they were closing the store and yet again I've been met by one of those strange people with glasses. She asked me to leave the premises, but I rather get the impression that she didn't really want to; nor did she want to leave the precious books herself.

Ray Bradbury in Farenheit 451 speaks of a time when books are seen as outmoded and big screens dominate the walls of people's houses. Are we really that far into the future already? Are people that impatient that they just don't understand the quiet power of books?

My grandad had a room which he called his Upholstered Dogbox, the room was entirely unremarkable save for a wall which was a bookcase from floor to ceiling. Apart from the two reading lamps and his big desk, this was a room in which the 20th Century was not allowed to enter. The only thing that could be heard was the solemn ticking of the clock in the hall if the door was open. This room was most assuredly a cathedral to the printed word.

When I eventually shift home, I shall make it a priority to install a bookcase. Books aren't furniture in themselves but no house is properly furnished without them.

Horse 596 - Progress

I am in the city currently chowing down on a very nice croissant and cup of tea. To get here I've got off at Martin Place Station - interesting observation:

There is an escalator here which is actually open and there's a plaque which proudly proclaims: Out of Service - 18-7-89, In Service 24-6-06.
Now I think that this says something about how difficult it is to get stuff done in this country. We now know how long it takes to fix an escalator - nearly 17 years.

In that time we've had the Berlin Wall come down, Nelson Mandela freed from prison, been to war with Iraq... Twice, Communism dismantled, several Eastern Bloc countries dissolve and reform, the setting up of a common European currency, the World Trade Centre attacked, Afghanistan attacked, the construction of two railway lines in Sydney, the building of Petronas Towers, the selling off of Japan Post, and most importantly the rebuilding of 4 Railway Stations in the CBD with no less that 24 escalators between them.

I guess it must be on another request form or something.

Horse 595 - Terrible Music

If you look at a standard piano with full register, you'll find 88 keys in white for notes in the C major scale and black for other notes which became standard for pianos in the late 18thcentury.
Almost every modern piano has 88 keys (seven octaves plus a minor third, from A0 to C8).

Many older pianos only have 85 keys (seven octaves from A0 to A7), while some manufacturers extend the range further in one or both directions. The most notable example of an extended range can be found on Bösendorfer pianos, two models which extend the normal range downwards to F0, with one other model going as far as a bottom C0, making a full eight octave range. Sometimes, these extra keys are hidden under a small hinged lid, which can be flipped down to cover the keys and avoid visual disorientation in a pianist unfamiliar with the extended keyboard; on others, the colours of the extra white keys are reversed (black instead of white).

The extra keys are added primarily for increased resonance; that is, they vibrate sympathetically with other strings whenever the damper pedal is depressed and thus give a fuller tone. Only a very small number of works composed for piano actually use these notes. More recently, the Stuart and Sons company has also manufactured extended-range pianos. On their instruments, the range is extended both down the bass to F0 and up the treble to F8 for a full eight octaves. The extra keys are the same as the other keys in appearance.

Or are they?



If you look under the hinged lids of a few piano keyboards you will find as in the above picture an unusual set of keys. These 19 notes form what is technically called the Boîte Diabolique, or in English the "Forbidden Notes". Most of these notes are either "superflat" or "unnatural" versions of existing notes one can play on the regular piano.

Take particular note of the red key in the middle. This is not an error, this is in fact quite deliberate. When struck, this key produces an H5 note. Because most of these notes occur as a result of the Pythagorean comma (which resulted in the retuning of pianos).

A key of notes is produced with simple mathematical ratios being 1:2 2:3 3:4 etc. The problem is that for the 13th note in the key, it produces a dissonant noise with another note in the series. With the publication of JS Bach's "Das Wohltemperirte Clavier" the practice of tempering was complete. By altering the notes artificially, the dissonance was removed and all keys could be played in harmony at the same time.

Essentially the Boîte Diabolique is all the notes removed as a result of "Well Tempering" the notes. The 19 notes in questions are the 8 "unnaturals", the 8 "superflats", a Z3 and a Z4 (which actually fit in between their respective F & A notes) and both of which occur in Bach's Mechanique Wohltemperirte, lastly the H5 which is last comma left about G5.

When notes from the Boîte Diabolique are played, it usually results in a general feeling of unpleasantness for the listener. In particular when H5 is played, some sensitive people may find that their ears will actually begin to bleed. For this reason, audiences for the most part ceased to hear the notes of the Boîte Diabolique unless accidentally played. With the advent of modern instruments and the ability to produce virtually any sound, it may be quite a fearful thing when again composers and musicians take up writing compositions utilising the Boîte Diabolique again.

Heaven help our ears.

Horse 594 - The Art Gallery

This life turned out nothing like I had planned,
Why not? By now I should've had some land,
Some money in my hand, round about fifty grand,
But I got nothing, I write rhymes on the bus,
I keep suffering; like the lines in the dust.

Imagine if you will that your life is like a great big art gallery. Contained in it a works on display, some rooms that have been set aside for future works and still other areas that have doors firmly locked.

I think it was Freud who said that dreams are like paintings not yet on display. In some cases it's because they're still to be finished and enacted and in other cases they're secret things to be hidden away never to be seen.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

I have heard it said before that allowing Christ into one's life is like letting in a janitor to clean up the mess. Well this may be true to some extent but what about the rest of everything? Since our lives are on display to a lot of people they get to walk around and look at a lot more than just the hallways.

Christ does more than just do clean up. As author and perfector of our faith he acts more like a curator and artist in the gallery. Looking at some paintings and making modifications, looking at others and setting fire to them wholesale and still others in parts of the gallery not yet seen, replacing the hopes and dreams yet to come with others.

Certainly in my life there's been sections shut off, others where the lights have been switched on to reveal horrid paintings that have been later set fire to, and other sections that I didn't even know existed in the first place where the most utterly fantastic works have been shown.
What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open.

The gallery still remains open for business.

Horse 593 - Holden's BIG Mistake

Holden motor company of Australia may have just accidentally taken the first step to comitting automotive suicide. With petrol prices rising every 23 minutes, you'd think that it would make logical sense to produce a smaller and more effcient car. Holden with their latest variant of the Commodore have done precisely the opposite; made an even bigger one.

Mitsubishi were going nowhere and then decided to produce a car which would save the company. 6 months later the 380 is anonymous on the road and flagging sales have meant that they've had to reduce the sticker price in the showroom. The Commodore actually managed to gain another 125 kilos into a market which they already knew was shrinking but they headed full on into the development program throwing good money after bad.

The highest selling car in Australia for the first time back in March was the Toyota Corolla, No 2 was the Astra followed by the Camry at number three. The old VZ Commodore came crashing in at 4th spot (the Falcon suffered even further coming in at 6). Now that they've effectively shot themselves in the foot, when they already knew that they shift more Astras than Commodores, then why didn't Holden develop the Vectra for Australian conditions? The Vectra at 3.2L is 340kg less than the VZ Commodore, and on top of that they already built a prototype based on it - the TT36 Torana (or XP54). Who really would notice the loss of 12 kW when you're stuck in traffic? Or better yet build the Astra? Toyota who are the world's biggest car company have shifted more Corollas by nameplate than any other car in history. Get off your big fat noisy horses Holden and out-Corolla Corolla with the Astra!

Holden execs are keen to point out that the VE will form the basis for the next generation of the Omega series to be sold by Opel, Vauxhall and Chevrolet. What they don't tell you is that the volume sellers for both Vauxhall and Opel are the Astra, not the Omega which will be billed as the top-of-the-line fleet car.

I think it all look fairly ominous for the General. I also pity the poor saps stuck with a Commodore, for when the price of petrol soars towards figures of $1.50 and $1.60 which it will, I'll stil be driving my little Ka and laughing at you as you put a fourth mortgage on your cardboard box houses trying to pay for petrol.

The 10th Commandment is "Do not Covet". Let me tell you, I shan't be doing any coveting at all or your big tanky cars, because I already own the cutest car on the road.

Horse 592 - Re-Writes and Edits

Listening to WS-FM at about 3am this morning whilst down the street at a neighbour's house playing cards, the song "California Dreaming" came on the radio. Now this song at the moment has just a little bit more significance for reasons that are ever more imminent, but it's amazing at what my super-awesome brain can come up with.

If you can follow this and know the tune, you might want to sing along.

All the leaves are brown
All the leaves are brown
And the sky is grey
All the leaves are brown
I went for a walk
All the leaves are brown
On a winter's day
All the leaves are brown
I'd be safe and warm
All the leaves are brown
If I was in L.A.
All the leaves are brown
California dreamin'
All the leaves are brown
On such a winter's day

I stopped into a church
All the leaves are brown
I passed along the way
All the leaves are brown
You know, I got down on my knees
All the leaves are brown
And I pretend to pray
All the leaves are brown
Oh, the preacher likes the cold
All the leaves are brown
He knows I'm gonna stay
All the leaves are brown
Oh, California dreamin'
All the leaves are brown
On such a winter's day

Of course with any call-and-response you could in theory add anything you wanted to, in fact in this song any of the lines could fit quite easily as the response and still not suffer.

This whole thing makes me think of something like Who's Line is it Anyway? and their Hoedown songs, or equally a segment on BBC Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue with "One Song to the Tune of Another". Triple M's Stump the Scardies is the same idea again so clearly the idea isn't new or difficult to replicate.

Even little ol' me has achieved a wee bit of notoriety with a re-write in about 10 minutes of Your Way by Chris Griffiths (1991) to a song about Norway...
... so I guess any schmo can do it really.

Horse 591 - The Most Ridiculous Story Ever Told

Precisely one month after Vampire Day I just had to ask the perennial question who would win in a fight between pirates and ninjas?

Historically, ninjas are viewed as criminals and villains, but really they were fighting for what they thought was right by using any method they could. They learned all sorts of martial arts and magic tricks. Ninjas could turn invisible, enter into any structure undetected, poison the guards, and leave a knife in the back of the head of household. Ninjas possessed stealth that allowed them to climb sheer surfaces and overhangs. It allowed them to traverse the squeakiest of floors or rockiest of gravel pathways. They mastered the arts of concealment and could even fight in complete silence. They fought with noiseless shuriken (ninja stars), flashy nunchucks, swords, sais, chains, staves, and of course their unmeasured martial arts abilities. They knew their poisons and dust cloud powders. Ninjas posed as regular people and wandered the streets, but when it was time for action they put on the black suits and made with the sneaky. Silent, invisible killers – these guys were cool.

Pirates were viewed as criminals and villains because they were. These guys hated their bosses and so they took to a life of crime and excess. Pirates fought every single day and they could live for weeks on watered down rum. When they weren’t fighting they were drinking and whoring, and when they weren’t drinking and whoring they were sailing. If they lost a leg, a hand, or an eye, they replaced it with wood or steel, then fought some more. Pirates were in it for the money and the good times. They didn’t care that they smelled or wore rags because they knew every day could be their last. When your choices are fighting off death or fighting off stink we’d all side with the sea dogs. Mercenary, bloodthirsty, and cheating – pirates were cool. So cool that even their pet monkeys wore vests, fezzes, or eye patches.

Then you have to look at the other major forces in the world. Whilst Pirates and Ninjas control the vast majority of the world, as technology changes so do the powers that be.

The Undead like Vampires, Skeletons and Zombies (they always act as a trio) were viewed as criminals and villains but they may or may not be. All of them have come about through being bitten or reanimated by existing members of the classes. A dead Pirate or Ninja can come back as a Zombie or a Skeleton and if bitten by a Vampire be turned into one of them. As self-replicants they fight on not to gain power through possession of material but through claiming combatants. Their principle method of fighting is via the bite, but Skeletons are usually well equipped in the arts of close combat with swords.

The last group are the Robots. Robots are neither alive nor undead and have to be destroyed like Zombies and Skeletons through dismembering. Depending on what sort of Robots they are, they may be equipped with all manner of mechanical and technological weaponry. This includes lasers, flamethrowers, guns, swords, spikes and bommyknockers. Robots have no fighting code unless expressly programmed, so a rouge Robot shows no remorse or fear when killing an opponent. All enemies are simply targets acquired which must be eliminated. Notable Robots include the Daleks, Astro Boy, and Robbie.

If all of them came into combat, it would largely depend on where the conflict occurred. Pirates would be better on sea, Ninjas excel in the forest and the Undead and Robots are better in open spaces. All things being equal though, who ever would be killed would bolster the ranks of the Undead.
Zombies and Skeletons are slow moving and would be hacked apart by Robots and Ninjas. Pirates vs Robots would see a hopeless slaughter of Pirates because of an obvious impass of technology. Ninjas and Vampires would be an interesting line up, because if a Ninja was bitten you'd then have a Ninja Vampire which would very interesting indeed. Equally Ninjas can probably move faster than Robots and more than likely dismantle vital elements.

I think it would all be a really interesting match-up; but I wouldn't want to be caught in the middle of it. If you throw into the mix Legions, Paladins, Knights, Aliens, Wizards, Witches, Dwarves, Trolls and Mechas, you'd probably have the basis of the coolest movie ever made. Better throw in a few motorbikes, explosions, a car chase, disaster on a space station, a love story, some secret agents, and a small kitten as the hero who fights despite adversity just for good measure.

Horse 591 - Addenda:

I still want a cut of the royalties from the book, film, DVD, CD Soundtrack, merchandise and the adaptions in both "On Ice" and "The Muscial" formats.

Horse 590 - Give FIFA a Red Card

With Italian football currently embroiled in a match-fixing and corruption scandal, their recent win in the World Cup will probably go a long way to smoothing over a lot of issues. Don't be surprised if the ramifications are as minor this time around as in 1982 when similar circumstances abounded.

Having said this I wouldn't put it past the same people involved in scandal in Italy to have manipulated FIFA in the same way. When people like the Agnellis who own FIAT and Ferrari also own Juventus, and people like Silvio Berlusconi who was European President and Italian president was the president of AC Milan and only just quit in 2004, it's not hard to make the mental leap to realise that some very powerful people could potentially have fingers on button that they shouldn't.

Honestly, I think that there's been a distinct bias against the English speaking nations in the World Cup. Australia and the USA were both subject to obvious directed refereeing against them, and England were on the receiving end of some pitiful decisions which was only really masked by the lacklustre tournament they had.

Does anyone remember the abysmal challenge of Edwards on Owen in the Trinidad & Tobago match? You don't? Well the consequences were obvious when he started limping and was substituted for Rooney and then even more obvious a couple of days later when he went to ground against Sweden.
What did Edwards get for it? Not an iota, not a dot.

Italy needed to win this tournament because just like the last time they did there would be a scandal back home if they didn't. Full credit to them for playing well enough (though boring) to win, but FIFA if it doesn't already should have some serious questions to answer to.

FIFA have openly resented both England and Germany as well as UEFA for having more money and power than them. Since FIFA also control the referees and the "directives" given to them before a match behind closed doors, again I ask who's pushing buttons.

The FIFA Board itself is composed of the four delegates from each of the four British associations as permanent members and four FIFA delegates. The FIFA website describes the Board as "an abiding acknowledgement of the historic significance of the British associations in world football" officially, but in reality resents this position.

Still, it’s not all bad news as there’s only 49 days until the Premiership resumes and we can, at last, get back to watching some "proper football".

Horse 589 - On Anger

The last two days have been somewhat cranky for me. Someone (who will not be named, so that they don't know who they are) said something rather hurtful to me and although I could have retaliated I decided on the spot that the best course of action would be to let the whole thing die off and be forgotten. Consequently I said nothing and squelched it on the spot.

There's a few things and principles that have sprung to mind of the last few days. Among which are a couple of verses in 1 Peter and James.
And above all things, have fervent charity among yourselves, for charity shall cover the multitude of sins. Use hospitality one to another without grudging. - 1 Peter 4:8-9
Therefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. - James 1:19-20

Anger is not of itself a bad thing. I have heard it said that anger is not an emotion but a reaction. This is only half right because it is possible to be angry in empathy even upon reading and perceived injustice.

I would guess that rather than a passive emotion like sadness, anger is active and is usually employed or triggered with an express purpose of attacking the cause of the problem whether it be feasible or not. In the case of most argument, anger is merely employed to rise up against opposition and does not actually address the problem at hand.

The problem is when it is allowed to persist or is employed as the first line of defence. I think that if properly employed, anger (if allowed to simmer rather than explode) can be directed to actually force a change in something. Thankfully, I've noticed a distinct difference in the way I handle things. The person in question will never know that I was angry with them and because of this, they can't hold this back over my head at some point in the future.

I guess that apart from this post no-one will ever even know; in a few days not even I will what this was about - mission accomplished ^_^

Horse 588 - It Just Is!

Good day to you,
Of course when I say "good" I'm speaking metamophically.

Still, not one more word about the weather...
...on the principle that if we ignore it, it might go away.

How and ever and not withstanding, and any road up, the show must go on.

Loud shouts of "why? WHY?!" because... I'll think of something... because because "why", that's why. So if you can spare us the odd frostbitten ear, you'd be very welcome!

Horse 587 - Forza Noioso, sealed with a Glasgow Kiss

Zinedine Zidane was not the first and will not be the last player to be sent off in a World Cup Final but his actions today will go down in legend as how not to show sportsmanship. After a period of confusion among the officials, his 110th minute headbutt on defender Marco Materazzi resulted in his ejection from his last appearance in international duty and invalidated him for the penalty shootout which France subsequently lost.
Horacio Elizondo, the referee who sent off Wayne Rooney the quarter-final, reached for the red card after consulting with a linesman. Zidane made his way slowly down the tunnel in tears.

Perhaps of note is what happens now for Italian football. Perhaps the players may have just saved hundreds of people in embroiled in a corruption scandal in the Serie A, just as it was when they last conquered the world, 24 years ago.

In the stadium where Jesse Owens won four gold Olympic gold medals, Italy won the World Cup for the fourth time. 70 years ago the world met here under very different circumstances, but for the past few weeks the world has been united.
FIFA is an organisation that boasts more members than the UN, but the weapons of warfare are equal for all nations. In the end all that's out there is 22 players, green grass and a football.

It's coming home, it's coming home
It's coming, Football's coming home
It's coming home, it's coming home
It's coming, Football's coming home

Tears for heroes dressed in grey, no plans for final day
Stay in bed, drift away
It could have been all songs in the street
It was nearly complete, it was nearly so sweet
And now I'm singing

Three lions on a shirt
Jules Rimmet still gleaming
Forty years of hurt
Never stopped me dreaming.

Roll on 2010 in South Africa.

Horse 586 - Cultural Me

This post comes from the rainy city. The city of public transport that works, and where restaurants are actually open at 3am. Welcome to Melbourne.

I'm here for an Australian Taxation Office Tax Seminar (w00t - not) but amongst other things, there'll be an AFL match I want to see and an exhibition featuring the works of Picasso at the National Gallery of Victoria. Not to mention the TV50 display on at Federation Square.

The drawback with this is that there wont be any photographs. The weather here is a typical winter's day in Melbourne and is nothing short of VILE. The rain is coming in from the sides and in some places is actually coming upwards.

Hopefully when I'm looking at paintings that I can't work out what they're supposed to be, when I'm watching telly of famous people that I've never heard of and listening to lectures about taxation that don't concern me, I'll be inside and most of all warm.

Aint Melbourne grand?

Horse 586a - Additional

The rain held out long enough for me to visit the NGV and see the Picasso exhibit. Now I realise that I'm an uneducated Philistine when it comes to the realms of pure art but I still have to ask the question - "What was this guy on? Was he on the gear? Was he smoking ice in a back alley and painting the pretty colours that he saw?"
There's not really an explination for the paintings that were on show but suffice to say that the whole thing has passed over my head like several flights from Heathrow Terminal 4.

I also happened to watch Australian Rules football at that cauldron of Australian sporting culture the MCG. The G was no where near capacity (only about 47,000 people) but the noise eminating from that place could probably be heard as far away as St Kilda.
The Hawks lost by 10 points...
Also on this, walking around in my Hawks jersey after the match, people on the street would ask you what the score was and what it was like. The people of Melbourne are far more friendly than Sydney. Maybe it's all of those hook turns and trams but people actually treat other people like... people, instead of annoyances which impede progress and get in one's way.

Horse 586b - Additional

Despite the spin doctors and their jazzing up of "Southern Cross Station", people here still call it Spencer St. I have also yet to discover what purpose Flagstaff station has either. It is always perpetually closed.

For those taking notes, I'm staying at the Toad Hall. Every time I walk out of the front door I feel like yelling "poop poop, ahah!", though I suspect that the Water Rat and the Badger would look down on such rakish and outlandish behaviour.

Horse 585 - Aye The Noo

The fine people of that country north of Hadrian's Wall are reknowned the world over for several things. Their whisky which is a lovely soothing drink that can be enjoyed by all and often leads to windows being broken and sectarian violence at football matches. The other primary thing that one usually thinks of when one mentions the Scots are their inadequate trousers that have a rather skirty sort of feel. To complete the look they will often carry a set of bagpipes with sound like a cat being strangled (in an entirely different way to the way Wagner sounds), and that other almost redundant pouch, the sporran.

Because apparantly I do have some Scottish heritage, I am entitled to wear a tartan, though it must be said the only tarten that I would knowingly choose would be the Stewart F1 racing tartan from 2001. The next question I need to ask when I purchase my Scottish attire would be "what is kept in a sporran anyway?". The answer from what I can gather is surprisingly utalitarian.

I must admit that what I would keep in my sporran would be different to what it would have been in the past. Following in incident with yoghurt a few years ago, I have learnt not to keep perishables in my sporran.

Look as you might you will not find cheese or even come cold sliced pieces of meat for a snack. Now it's all stationary, tissues, a selection of pencils (go on take one), I really don't mind. Underpants, Mars Bars, Milky Ways, and occasional bus tickets for those journeys across town, mind you, you do not actually want to take a seat on the bus for fear of someone looking upwards.

I suspect that traditionally one should keep items like gun powder and buckshot in a sporran though without a military context all that you could expect to find in your average Scotsman's sporran are things like keys, a money clip, credit cards, and identification of some sort. Personally I prefer a decent HB.

Horse 584 - Peter Pan

Peter Pan was the boy who didn't want to grow up, a little bit like our very own John Howard who still thinks it's 1956 and has only just got around to getting himself a television.

Born in the very wealthy southwest London borough of Kensington, Chelsea, he disappeared one evening and strangely social services were not called. He then went to prance around with a small girl called Tinkerbell which can only be one of those strange names given to children born of pop-stars like Apple or Heavenlt Hirany Tiger Lily.

Not happy with his underground exploits with pirates such as Smee and a man with a strange clawed hand (that is to say illegal activties on the high seas, rather than flogging off copied movies down at the local tube station). He used to nip into the chambers of other children and drag them along with him - aiding and abetting it could be called.

One night a child who was named after the outlets of the sanitation system, John, was enjoying a restful kip when suddenly the elfin child appeared at his window. "Hello" he said "I've come to take you away from the drudgery of school and football and take you to a nether world of madness".

Someone accused me of having a Peter Pan complex and by this I thought that they meant that I refused to grow up. As it turns out they were merely pointing out my fascination with wearing green tights, running across inner-city rooftops, and flying. However I would suggest that if anyone would try to combine these ideas one would simply get thrown off the aircraft.

Horse 583 - The Commonwealth of America

The Continental Congress voted 12-0 on the 2nd of July 1776 that the fledling colonies should break away and declare their independance from the United Kindgom. The official announcement and hence the date of the 4th is the date by which the terms of Jefferson's declaration should take effect.

Despite the genesis of Independence Day, it is largely uncommon for Americans to express anti-British sentiment on the day or to view it as a celebration of anti-colonialism. Indeed, most Americans today consider the United Kingdom their greatest ally. Rather than specifically as an opportunity to commemorate the end of British rule in the 18th century, contemporary Americans generally perceive the holiday as a celebration of the U.S.A. itself and the political values that motivated the United States Declaration of Independence.

Independence Day is as far as I know the only holiday celebrating the United States as a whole.
So what would have happened is those 13 colonies had not signed the Declaration? What would have been if the instrument of the United States had not existed?

I suspect that what would have happened is that America would have adopted a slightly different constituition more akin to something like Australia and been eventually awarded Commonwealth status which is different to Canada and New Zealand which were Dominions.

The Canadian Constitution which is the oldest of the 3 has the pre-amble as follows:
Whereas the Provinces of Canada, Nova Scotia, and New Brunswick have expressed their Desire to be federally united into One Dominion under the Crown of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, with a Constitution similar in Principle to that of the United Kingdom shall form and be One Dominion under the Name of Canada; and on and after that Day those Three Provinces shall form and be One Dominion under that Name accordingly.
Unless it is otherwise expressed or implied, the Name Canada shall be taken to mean Canada as constituted under this Act.

The Constitution of Canada provides the framework by which the powers of the Provinces and the Nation are spelled out. The respective constitutions of Australia and New Zealand also act very similarly.

America instead of being called the United States of America would more than likely been afforded Commonwealth Status with with the same sort of relationship between the states and the federal parliament to Australia. And because they would be a Commonwealth would called be the Commonwealth of America, still hold a bicameral parliament and more than likely have cabinet appointed from elected members rather than the case at the moment where not one single member of the cabinet is appointed by the people.

Actually , Queen Elizabeth II in Australian, Canadian and New Zealand politics has no executive power at all, so in this regard America would probably have the same level of autonomy and sovereignty as now.

I think culturally the Commonwealth of America would be as a nation less militant than now. The rights of free citizens would have been extended to all sooner, certainly under English common law no person could be recognised as the property of another and how this came about in the USA is somewhat of a mystery to me.
Also because the constitution would be different, the 2nd Amendment which gives Americans the right to hold firearms would not exist, so I suspect that the place would be safer.

So in all consideration without the dilemmae of slavery and guns in society, America would have been a better place.

Horse 582 - Why?

Why was Rooney sent off?
Why did Figo start the match after being suspended in the previous match?

Neither of these questions can be answered within the realms of sanity. Luis Figo's start of this match was as the result of a FIFA directive - conspring against England. When Rooney was sent off for a harmless shove, England were reduced to 10 men and Sven had to reshuffle things to put on Crouch.

In the end neither side could score in regulation time and the match ended in the standard farce, the penalty shoot-out. This means that for all tournaments under Sven Goan Eriksson, England were never beaten in free play even once.

I'm disappointed with the whole thing.

England 0

Portugal 0
(on penalties)

Horse 581 - I Say, Still Repeal the Second

All the way back on 20th January 2005 I commented in Horse 280 about a report in which Chicago had overtaken Washington as the murder capital of the world. My general comment about this was that if gun ownership wasn't seen as a constitutional right and if less people had them, then people wouldn't be using them to kill each other.

I find about 3 days ago that a pro-gun person who is intent on having an argument, has provided an incoherant set of statements and then asked me to provide a reply... this is that reply.

First, let's revisit the Second Amendment shall we?

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. - 2nd Amendment

As with all documents, you need to look at the intent of the legislation and also the character of the language as it would have been used.

A well regulated Militia - this is fairly straighforward. A Militia is basically a small unit of troops be they organised by the state, freemercenaries or on a contract or hire basis. If you bear in mind the simple fact that the USA was borne from a war and could not have provided a standing military immediately then this makes sense.

being necessary to the security of a free State - again this refers to the nation and its ability to defend itself. The straw that finally broke the camel's back as it were was the specific imposition of taxes on the 13 colonies. Despite several key players actually having fought for the British against the French (George Washington etc) the 13 colonies wanted to show themselves as distinct, ie a Free State.

the right of the people to keep and bear Arms - This is a collective statement and talks about the people as a group. Also keep in mind that the document was intended to be presented to the parliament of the United Kingdom, "the people" in context refers to the nation and not the individual.
Also, "bearing Arms" in general parlance of the late 18th century generally meant that one was going to fight in the army. Whilst it may be true that arms can be borne by brother against brother, yet again this is meant as an external document.

shall not be infringed - What is an infringement? An infringement is not a transgression of the law but rather a violation of something or when something as been exceeded. Do we therefore take it to mean that the right shall not be exceeded or violated? Yes!

The arguments that are always put forward in these arguments are threefold. Self-Defence, prevention against tyranny and the actual right are always held up.

Self-Defence - A gun is an instrument who's sole purpose is to either maim or kill people. Nobody EVER has the right to do either.
Prevention Against Tyranny - Would a small group of individuals be able to stop a tyrannical government with a modern mechanised army with a show of force? Of course not, to think otherwise is delusional.
The Actual Right - As stated above the right was intended in the defence of the nation not licence for people to own instruments of war. Used improperly the law is a dangerous thing with ramifications that were never intended.

I honestly think that the Second Amendment was intended for a limited time until the proper facilities of government were installed. As an 18th century stop-gap it worked very well but in a modern context is a dangerous thing.