iFive - 3 Jun

When my workload goes up, I'm actually more inclined to take the iPod on the walk to the bank. Also I find that as Nova switches slowly to having more RnB in their chase for ratings in the afternoon and the Shebang plays more 80's rock again, I find myself mining older and older records.

Popcorn - released in 1972 is the ultimate in Synth-Pop. Despite all attempts since, this ridiculously simply song made full use of the new electric instrument at its disposal. Not until the Mellotron came back into use in the 90's did anyone even get close.

1. Popcorn - Hot Butter
2. Turning Japanese - The Vapors
3. American Pie - Don Maclean
4. 1967 It's Happening - Radio 1
5. Stole My Car - Mai FM

Horse 348 - >> WARNING <<

If you value your sanity you will heed this warning.

The worst possible event in the history of recorded music has finally borne fruit. This is a warning to the people of Australia. Let it be known that Macarthur Park has a new rival, one that is more henious, more vile and more terrible than all who went before.

Crazy Frog has made it to No.1 in the UK music charts. I repeat: Crazy Frog has made it to No.1 in the UK music charts.

There have been other novelty acts make it to No.1, and some of them have ranged from the midly amusing Wombles of Wimbledon to the downright annoying Hamster Dance. Crazy Frog on the other hand defys the rules having first been an internet joke, then a heavily marketed ring-tone, the latter being the prime reason why I think it bites so much having being been on TV adverts just about every other 20 minutes but it must be said that the reworking of Axel F, Harold Faltermeyer's theme to the Beverly Hills Cop films, is the first mobile ringtone to cross over into the charts.

The track's success means Coldplay's long-awaited single Speed of Sound, had to settle for second spot, while hip-hop band Akon fell one place to number three. Oasis' brief flirtation with the top spot came to an end as the band fell five places to number six with Lyla.

It's not the charts fault however, it is the fault of each and every idiot who bought this record. The fact that Jamster have put this record at number one has devalued the chart of any meaning in my eyes. There's novelty records, bad novelty records, pure-evil novelty records, about 300 layers of crap and then this. I don't think I've ever hated something so passionately in my entire life. The stupidity is that it will be sold here, and make it to number 1 as well.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Horse 347 - Campione Liverpool

AC Milan 3-3 Liverpool (aet) - Liverpool win 3-2 on penalties

It's official, Liverpool are now the worst team to have claimed the crown of "Champions of Europe"

Liverpool beat AC Milan 3-2 in a penalty shoot-out to win the Champions League after sensationally coming from three goals down at half-time. Paolo Maldini gave Milan a first-minute lead and Hernan Crespo's double gave Milan a seemingly unassailable lead. Steven Gerrard gave Liverpool hope and Vladimir Smicer and Xabi Alonso levelled in a seven-minute spell. Jerzy Dudek then saved from Andrea Pirlo and Andriy Shevchenko in the shoot-out to clinch a stunning victory. It capped an amazing turnaround, with Liverpool looking out of contention after they were completely outclassed in the first-half.

3 goals down at half time is one of the most heartbreaking things to see as a supporter and especially in a final, but somehow the 3 reply goals came. Grief was replaced by deliriousness, then utter tension and finally sheer jubilation.

Even winning the trophy isn't enough for European football's governing body, UEFA, to allow the Reds to defend their trophy. The Reds have not qualified for the next season's competition after finishing fifth in the Premiership.

Maybe not the best team in Europe but good enough to win the trophy.Worst team to win in Europe? I totally agree. By inference the rest of Europe must be totally rubbish or otherwise they'd have won it. Bear in mind that the last time that they played in a European Cup final was back on May 29, 1985 at Heysel. Almost 20 years ago today (Sgt Pepper taught the band to play?).

If this doesn't go down as the greatest European Cup final to date, then I don't know what does.

Horse 346 - What You Say Lyla?

The week ended 22 May has had two rather interesting bits of info about Oasis's first single revealed, and also a little spiel into why you won't hear the song on Australian Radio.

Lyla debuted at No.1 in the UK which makes it Oasis' 7th single to debut at the top of the charts. The thing that's made it impossible for record companies in the UK is where to send to royalty cheques. It seems that Oasis had been trying to ditch Sony Music for quite some time and so had set up an independant label - Big Brother Recordings. The thing is that the tracks for the album had to be recorded in studios and mixed, so the production of the album was actually done in the houses of 6 labels.
The copyrights on the first single for the three songs are to Sony, EMI and Universal. As you could imagine this has created a nightmare for the radio stations who have the record companies as shareholders.

In Australia their ownership is more overt with Sony/Virgin having a controlling stake in the Austereo network (2Day FM and Triple M) and EMI and Warner owning Nova. WS, MIX, and 96.1 don't as a policy play first run music and JJJ isn't driven by commercial interests at all.

So this means that Lyla prior to the official launch got precisely 0 plays on Australian radio before the launch and with it being on an indepedant label, this figure isn't likely to vary unless it's included in a chart show.

Despite this it debuted at No.23 in Australia which must mean that people like myself have bought it without hearing a single note, or unless they heard it on cable radio or downloaded it before the release date.

So I'll rock out to this song by myself along with the UK (I got mine from HMV UK) in the knowledge that you'll never hear it - unless you buy it somehow.

Horse 345 - Save the Tasty Whales

Australia is ready to take unprecedented diplomatic action to halt Japan's plan to increase its whale kill, federal Environment Minister Ian Campbell says. But Senator Campbell refused to speculate whether Japan's aggressive whaling stance would be defeated at next month's International Whaling Commission meeting in Korea, where it has applied to kill another 400 whales, including humpbacks.

He was speaking after it was revealed Prime Minister John Howard had written to the Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, saying Australia believed there was no basis for killing the whales. The letter said Australia valued its friendship with Japan but an increase in whaling would cause an outcry in Australia and internationally.

Japan contends that the whale kill is actually a "scientific harvest", upon which research is carried out. I think that this viewpoint is wholeheartedly correct; I wager that the scientific research being carried out has been comissioned by Larrousse Gastronomique.

Whales while being the gentle giants of the ocean are also very tasty. Japan needs to do as much cullinary testing as it can on these creatures before there's no more left. Sure they may be the very ones responsible for the declining numbers, but then how will they be able to say to their children what they tasted like and how best to have used them in soups and casseroles.

In fact I say we obviously need to increase our "scientific harvest" of endangered animals. We need to know about Panda Cutlets, Bald Eagle Wings especially considering we missed out on research into Dodo Egg Omlettes and Thylaciene Steak - and those animals aren't coming back.

Horse 344 - Tower of Terror

The world is in peril. Ever since 1934 the orbit of the earth has been titled because of a massive tower built by the RKO Radio Pictures organisation. I believe that this 3500 storey tower built at the North Pole has been slowing down the orbit of Earth now for the last 71 years.

Built before the advent of satellites, it was intended to bring the magic of the then new technology into homes all over the world. At a price of nearly $90,000,000,000,000 to build, it was certainly the biggest marvel the world had seen.

Sadly, it's use is over and because the earth is slowing down, it's getting closer to the sun and hence is the real reason for global warming. Add to that the massive signal it puts out which is just perfect for aliens to find us - remember the Martians attacked in the 1930's and are going to again, I know, I've seen the warnings in movie theatres.

For these reasons, the RKO Radio Tower must be dismatled immediately.

iFive - 20 May

iPod saw a lot of use in the last week. It travelled to work for a few days, up on a BB Camp and spent a day with me whilst I sat around in court and then watched Star Wars. All of these got only 3 plays during the week, but there were 22 songs that did - these got there first.
None of these songs had had a single play on the iPod before the week began. I'm really stumped by how shuffle works now.

1. Summer Skies, Naked Thighs - Radio City 96.7 Advert
2. While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles
3. Metal Mickey - TV Theme
4. Imperial March - London Symphony Orchestra
5. Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom - Perez Prado

Horse 343 - The Dark & Tired Side

This morning I type this epistle from a brain dead state after queuing since 8:30pm, watching a movie at 12:01am and then going home to see the UEFA Cup Final. I am of course referring to that visually stunning installment to the Star Wars saga - Revenge of The Sith.

I like so many this morning saw a film which slots in fairly well into the existing frame work of the other 5 films. Esentially the first 3 are Anakin's story whereas the last are Luke's.

I won't spoil the plot but this film is largely about a failure of every single character in the film. Yoda ends up in exile as does Obi Wan through failure to recognise the Jedi in the first place, the Republic collapses under a religious takeover (read power struggle), Padma simply gives up and Anakin himself eventually fails as his desire for power devours his capacity for love (as explored in Ep. 2). In fact the only one who doesn't fail is Palpatine who acheives every end he sets out to.

The film left me wondering - is Yoda on workers compensation? He's an old dude with a stick but bounces around fighting light-sabre battles when no-one's looking. Even worse is that nagging feeling that Obi Wan is still Renton from Trainspotting and experiences "the force" as a result of visiting some methodone clinic.

As said before brain dead - please excuse incoherancy.

Horse 342 - God's Football Team

The reason why I wrote this is because that Manchester Utd has had even more of the shares bought by the American investor Glazier. Who would have thought that even the Devil (albeit red) would sell his soul? And to an American no less!

What then would the football team of God look like?* I surmise that it would have a few interesting features that no other team would.

God would certainly be the manager. Think about it, he doesn't actually need any of us to do his work but actually chooses us. The manager's job is one of selection for game day but he also is responsible for the training of the team and for team discipline. God certainly trains and disciplines his workers where appropriate. The analogy falls apart in all sorts of areas, and especially when it comes to the manager himself. The manager usually stands in a box called the technical area. Given that God is omnipresent and is therefore everywhere, it's stupid to try and confine him in a box.

I also think that the team would be rather Italian in nature. When the Bible talks about the whole armor of God, most of the items (shields, breastplates etc) are defensive in nature. Also the bible often talk about great battles in the end times but ultimately God does all the work anyway. So taking this to its logical conclusion, the Holy Spirit would be the lone striker (as he's the only one who actually changes the results) and the church would be behind him in a 5-4-1 formation.

The other reason why I think that it would be like this is because of the person of Jesus - he'd be the goalkeeper. Great teams are built around the goalkeeper being the cornerstone and safeguard. Jesus would be behind the last line of defence watching over them, sending the players forwards. There is always the obvious call that as goalkeeper, Jesus saves.

What about the stadium? Like Anfield it wouldn't have a clock as God isn't bound by time. Nor would it have lighting towers as it would be filled with the glory of God. I don't know it you've ever noticed this but of all the religions only Christians ever seem to sing. I also am reminded of all of those weird looking things with the wings who sing night and day. I figure that the noise from the home end must be uttlerly glorious.

The record of the side I estimate would be from 38 games: 38 wins, no losses, 114 points and 117 goals for and none conceeded. Sure there'd be times when there'd only be a 1-0 victory, but this would be the fault of the 9 rather than the striker or the goalkeeper. There'd also be times when the opposition would be overwhelmed and helpless with results of 3, 4 maybe even beyond 7 goals a game.

The team would be playing in an all white strip, and despite there being different players in the midfield and defence, the manager, striker and goalkeeper would always be the same (I the Lord do not change).

My only other problem is that the game would be outside the gates, because as we all know - rugby is the game they play in heaven.

*If God did have one, I'd go out and get the kit, the scarves and the air fresheners tommorrow. Not to mention the commerative Quadruple winning DVD's the bedsheets and the photo books. You'd be stupid not to.

iFive - Fri 13th May

Some guy in the US had his fifteen minutes of fame with a thing he'd made using a webcam which he called the "Numa Numa Dance". After about a 20 second google search I found out that the song in question was actually the Romanian entry in the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest. A trip to HMV and $4.95 later, I have it and yup, it made number one this week.

1. Dragosta Din Te - O-Zone
2. More More More - Rachel Stevens
3. The Fire - Reel Big Fish
4. Woomera What a Hot Spot - Merrick & Rosso
5. Back on the Bus - Afroman

Horse 341 - Terrorist Road Safety

A congrats goes out to Kate who has joined the world of motoring with the acquisition of her P-plates. "Be alert but not alarmed" was her quote in a bible study last night and I suppose that the thought must have burrowed into my brain not ot found for a while.

That thought had been running around inside my head for several hours and for some strange reason (and after I'd been watching A Clockwork Orange on SBS) my brain went into shut down mode and without warning I thought of Hector the Road Safety Cat and his famous song.

Stop at the kerb (Stop at the kerb),
Look to the right (Look to the right),
Look to the left (Look to the left),
Look to the right again.
Then if the road is free of traffic,
walk straight across the road, don't run!
Walk straight across the road.

Now I bet you aren't wondering what Road Safety and terrorism have to do with each other because quite frankly they don't but, then I remembered something that the Scared Weird Little Guys did on the radio. It goes like this:

Stop at the kerb (Stop at the kerb),
Look all around (Look all around),
Keep you eyes peeled (Keep you eyes peeled),
Be alert but not alarmed.
Then if the road is free of terrorists,
walk straight across the road, don't run!
Walk straight across the road.

So I hunted around and guess what, it's on the Triple M website for download. This is really cool except that...

I can't find Hector's original road safety song and the bugs me.

Horse 340 - VS Day - Victory over Stupidity

60 years ago today, the bloodiest conflict the world had ever seen came to an end. Nazi Germany finally declared surrender to Allied forces but it would still be months before the other Axis power in Japan would do likewise.

What then did WW2 actually teach us?

It is estimated that nearly 60 million soldiers died in Europe with another 25 million in the Pacific. Perhaps as many as 3 times as many civillians also gave up their lives. 340 million people who died in vain.

It is estimated that it cost all sides nearly $10,000,000,000,000 to pay for the costs of the war. $10,000,000,000,000 that could have been spent on anything useful rather than fashioning bits of metal to hurt one's fellow man.

Buildings that had stood for hundreds of years became riddled with gunfire and several other collapsed. During the blitz of London, 26 Underground stations were damaged and cost nearly £9 billion to repair it all.

What were the net results of all of this? Not much in all honesty. Borders moved as much a 10 miles in some cases, families were torn in two and countries were snapped in half.

8 May should be a giant celebration, not because of the people who died (though they gave what quite frankly they should not have been asked to do) but because the leaders of the various countries finally had the sense to end the bloody disaster.

It sickens me to think that leaders send people to fight their wars for them. In a lot of cases they go on the premise of lies and or promises that must not be.

War never decides who is right. It merely determines who is left.

Horse 339 - Back In the USSR?

European Commission Vice-President Guenter Verheugen urged Moscow earlier this week to admit the illegality of Soviet rule in the Baltics but Russia has denied it illegally annexed the Baltic republics of Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia in 1940. It has also rejected demands to admit illegally occupying the three countries at the end of World War II.

A Kremlin spokesman said Soviet troops were deployed with the agreement of the Baltic governments of the time. Soviet authority was established in the Baltics in 1940.

What I want to know is, can you apportion blame on the current administration for something that happened 60 years ago? The Soviet Union is a different entity to Russia. Russia in theory is a democratically elected country whereas the Soviet Union was by de facto a communist dictatorship.

Stalin was a nasty person who I for one would not wanted to accept an invite to a dinner party from. Vladimir Putin on the other hand is hardly a Stalinist supporter.

Russia has enough problems of its own without dredging up the past. Even now there's a mess with the Ukraine over delimitation of the border between the two nations. I'm sure Putin and Yushchenko will come to some arrangement eventually but this is surely more important than what the EU wants.

I don't understand the affair actually. What if anything is Verheugen trying or hoping to achieve by getting the Kremlin to admit illegality? What points can be won from this in the first place?

iFive - 6 May

I can understand Lyla again being the most played song on Mintie (my iPod) this week as it's only new (and therefore deliberate) but number 5 is convincing me that perhaps Shuffle isn't as random as first thought.
I had a look at the origins of manufacturer and found that my copy of "Stand by Me" has got the lowest index on the barcode. All Australian discs have 93, The Uk have 50, Japan are all 45 but my copy of Stand by Me is made in Canada and thus has the index of 02.
Is random really random?

1. Lyla - Oasis
2. Blind - Area-7
3. Obesity - Sam Kekovich
4. STP Conked Out My Engine - Wesley Willis
5. (I Got) The Fever - Oasis

Horse 338 - These three remain: No Hope from Charities

without being rude to those charity institutions (cue rudeness and misplaced indignancy), I understand why they think it's a good idea to give disadvantaged kids and chronically ill children experiences which regular children don't get but imagine this - you live in a perfectly normal boring family, with nice parents and aren't poor or have a disease. What do you get? NOTHING.

That's right, normal children in normal circumstances don't appear on charities radar, nor are they in the general consensus of society "deserving" of special luxuries. This quite frankly bites.

Imagine what it's like to spend boring holidays year after year in a caravan park in Kiama because it's by the sea. Think of the drudgery of being on holidays for 6 weeks over summer with nothing to do but play with lego, computers, ride bikes and kick the football with your mates. Just try to empathise with the poor kiddies who think that going to the supermarket every week on a Thursday for late night shopping (8pm) is exciting. Who cares? NO-ONE.

Charities and society in general just doesn't care about you if you happen to be normal and boring. Children like these grow up to become the working bulk of society, to be screwed by the tax office to pay for the very poor (who don't work) and the very rich (who also don't work). They will become the whole gammet of normal society who have to work to get enough money not only just to live on but to also pay for the selfish brats they've spawned to replace themselves - who ironically are also normal and boring.

I therefore propose to set up a government agency designed to give children Leukaemia and other fashionable diseases so that they too can gain the respect of charities and society and therefore get the rewards and beneits that go with it.

It may suck to be underpriveledged and disadvantaged but it's better than being boring and normal and therefore not-priveledged and non-advantaged - there just aren't any free trips to Disneyland for a start.

Horse 337 - An Accident That Wasn't

Once again my faith in human kind has been reduced to nil. On Thursday I get a claims assessor from the insurance company to look at (wait for it) an entirely unbent motor car.

Once again proving my theory that Toyota drivers live in a Zone of Ignorance™ this chap in a Toyota Camry pulled out in front of me, so I threw out the anchors and stopped some 7ft behind him. Now in something bordering on ridiculous, I know have the somewhat arduous task of proving the non-existance of an accident... well the insurance assessors do, which is again stupid as there is no accident.

I could go into extensive forensic evidence how not even the screws which hold to licence plate aren't bruised, or how the damage above the trim line on the Camry is some 14cm above where my bumper would have hit but one thing remains in this...

In a world of liturgious people, the propensity for fraudulence increases. This man was schooled at the University of Life and took courses in Advanced Bastardry and Applied Tosspottery*.



*An introduction to this course is taught by Prof. Thommo Treebeard as especially applied to teams playing against Newcastle Utd.

Horse 336 - Don't Panic

The Hitchhikers Guide has this to say about movies:

A movie or a motion picture is a series of still pictures flashed onto a screen in rapid sucession designed to fool to observer into seeing motion via the phenomenon of persistance of vision.

This effect for the species known as human beings occurs at the unlikely rate of 16 frames a second, though this figure can be lowered under certain conditions like the consumption of alcohol but this may lead to still objects appear to be moving as well.

Please note that this effect of persistance of vision is species specific. Whereas 16 frames a second works for humans, 22 is the figure for the domesticated cat and 4,866,924,339,777,202,548,963,102,536,787 is the figure for the sludge monsters of Splattican VII - also note that their entire life span is only about a second and entire religions have sprung up whilst a single picture was flashed on a screen.

In general it is difficult to make a movie which is better than the book it attempts to portray, this is mainly due to the fact that text contains so much more vivid imagery and is generally examined for longer periods. Such can be said for the movie of the novel of The Hitchhikers Guide but given the surreal nature of the book, an accurate depiction may be nigh on impossible.

There is one notable exception to this however and this is The Lord Of The Rings trilogy. This one example where the film is better than the book is because the book sucked worse than a class five black hole whereas the film only sucked as bad as a class two black hole - it still labours the point that both sucked immensely.

iFive - 29 Apr

My keyboard decided that it didn't want to play fair this week (at least in part because I stood on it), as such there have been minimal Horses and Promptoria entries.
At number two this week is an interesting track that came from Z-100FM from New York City on free download. It's a mix of Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Wonderwall, Writing To Reach You and Sing For The Moment. It's even better cut than that track by Nickleback which has been floating about.

1. Lyla - Oasis
2. Boulevard of Broken Songs (mix) - Green Day, Oasis, Travis, Eminem
3. (I Got) The Fever - Oasis
4. Come on Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners
5. One Step Beyond - Madness

Horse 335 - Fiddled With The Roof

I generally don't have a lot of time for manufactured music, especially since most of it is generally people having a whinge or worse, bragging to the world about how much bling they have (whatever bling is).

Imagine my disgust when I heard Gwen Stefani's (formerly of No Doubt) song "Rich Girl". Now apart from the obvious rip of Tevye's lament in Fiddler on the Roof, it's just poor lyrically.
Personally find it distasteful that a millionaire harps on about wishing to be rich as she abuses the English Language once more. For goodness sake the woman already has millions and she sings about wanting more. This song is so awful, that every time I hear it i want to drive nails into my head.

Tevye on the other hand was singing more as a wish. "Oh dear Lord, you must really love poor people - you've made so many of them". Tevye's wish is a what could be if he had an easier life, rather than a mousey half-assed sugar coated sentiment about some love interest.

Tevye's song is a rollicking number that deserves its place as the most famous song in the Broadway musical whereas I doubt that Gwen's little 3 minutes will be heard much beyond May 11 when the record company pulls it from stock.

iFive - 22 Apr

My iPod is like it's own little radio station with 2094 songs on regular play (most of the time it's filled with stuff on PodCast). Every Friday I'm going to rip into the statistics to come up with the 5 most played songs for the week. This then are the last 7 days.

1. Chun King Chow Mein Advert - Advert
2. Maori Demands - Billy Connolly
3. Video Killed The Radio Star - The Buggles
4. La La La Lemon - Barenaked Ladies
5. He Wasn't - Avril Lavigne

Horse 334 - St George's Language

Tommorrow is April 23 this is notable for two things. Firstly it's St George's Day (see Horse 99) which celebrates the triumph of a knight over a dragon but also curious is it the birthday of probably the most famous writer in history, William Shakespeare. There are loads of resources on the man and even study guides on his plays and poetry but precious little on his most important contribution to English - the fact that he wrote in it.

This is going to surprise most of you who have difficulties with the language of Shakespeare but the language he used is actually quite modern. You'll note that most of the rules of grammar he uses are pretty well much the same as our own. Also of note is the number of words he used - critical, leapfrog and dwindle are actually all his invention.You probably think I'm quite daft for holding such a view but bear in mind that quite a lot of the cliches you use were first coined by Shakespeare as well. One foul swoop, vanish into thin air and flesh and blood are all Shakespeare's.

In fact I hold the man in such high regard that I'd consider him and one other historical document the sole cause of why Britain became top empire. Shakespeare wrote primarily between 1590 and about 1615. Also written smack-dab in the middle of that was the Bible as Authorised by King James I. For the first time was a version of the Bible that could be read by common folk. This ensured that printing presses became common and between Shakespeare and The Bible, the rise of literacy particularly in Britain rose sharply, caused in part because there was finally a need for people to read and because someone was finally writing in common language.

Shakespeare's English and the used in The Bible are both in all honesty probably quite vulgar in comparison to the language used by the gentry. The Globe theatre actually charged people to watch their stage plays and people would go primarily to be entertained. Also of note was that the reformation of the church was in full swing and one of the things that it had to do in repsonse to that was actually talk to people in their own language - English.

In fact the ability of English to adapt is evident. It stole words from everywhere it went and left behind the romantic typeface behind, one needs only to look around today to see that English has infected just about every corner of the globe. Is it little wonder that rising literacy rates meant that England, which is in reality a rather small island, could record and learn information?

St George's Day may be the triumph of a knight over a mythical dragon, but also it should be a day to celebrate the triumph of the language over the world.

Horse 333 - Eurovision 2005

In just under a month we again will see on our television screens the terrible horrors of who's friends with who in Europe masquerading as the Eurovision Song Contest. The contest over the years has produced such talents as Abba and Bucks Fizz and also some downright shockers who have never ever been heard from again.

One of the notable things about Eurovision isn't the songs themselves but the bit at the end where they tally up the votes. Points are awarded on a country by country basis 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12 to every country except their own. Controversy ensues every year when as if almost by magic and irrespective of song quality, nations give their friends "douze point" - without fail we'll see Island give Danmark 12 and Allemagne do the same for Pologne. What's even worse isn't so much the countries with the televote (where people ring in or SMS their votes) but those still with the almost iron curtain panel.

I hope that SBS gives us the BBC feed, for more famous than the songs themselves is probably the BBC's finest advocate of European affairs (cough cough) Terry Wogan. We all remember in 2002 when Marija Naumova had the song "I wanna" and we heard Terry singing in the voiceover in the final performance but adding "drink" to the end. Wogan's quips about how rigged the competition is are famous and it's worth just watching the show just to hear his yearly whinge.

For those who want to hear the contest live, it starts at 8pm BST (5am in Sydney) and can be heard via the web on Radio 2 - http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2 Let's just hope that the UK doesn't suffer the embarassment of 2003 and get "nil point".

Long may Europe be divided and united by music. In my book (and the results of my own televote) the competition gets douze point

Horse 332 - Position Vacant

Corporate Executive Vagrant
CBD - Outside Large Financial Institute
$0.001k for a cup of coffee plus super + bonus

Corporate Executive Vagrant is needed for this challenging and fast paced role.

Responsibilities will include:

• Meet, greet and repulse corporate clients and VIP's
• Muttering obscenities at low pitch
• Providing non-existant customer service
• Smelling of stale urine (training provided)
• Rendering a space of four metres around you unbearable

Ideal applicants will possess:

• Previous experience (within Banking and Finance highly advantageous)
• Eight plastic bags in which to hold all worldly posessions
• A duffle coat and a woolly hat
• Spotted handkerchief
• Inhospitability experience highly regarded
• Ability to troubleshoot (preferably with handguns)
• Be able to handle all situations without discretion

This position includes flexible hours and requires someone who has a lack of personal and professional presentation at all times.

If you meet the above criteria and are looking for the next challenge in your vagrancy career, e-mail your resume to neville-no-friends@drinkmetho.com.au today

Horse 331 - Curmudgeony¹

Before we start this Horse, let's take a quick quiz.

1. Things were a lot better:
a. 20 years ago
b. 40 years ago
c. Things have never been very good

2. A grande mocha caffe latte is:
a. Delicious
b. Expensive
c. What the hell is a grande mocha caffe latte?

3. The government is:
a. Too big
b. Too slow
c. Out to get me

4. Some children are playing football in the street. As you watch from the window, the ball rolls into your yard. Your best course of action is to:
a. Ignore it
b. Delight in the sweet innocence of children
c. Keep the ball

5. Music today is:
a. Edgy
b. Loud
c. You call that music?

6. Read the following statement: "When I was a kid, you could get a full steak dinner, a slice of pie with ice cream and a cup of coffee for 20 cents. Twenty damn cents. And this was good coffee too; not that crap they serve now." This is:
a. True
b. Odd
c. The smartest thing I've ever read in this lousy website

7. The problem with kids today is:
a. Why are you asking me all these questions?
b. I've had enough of this nonsense
c. Leave me alone

Results below:

*

**

***

****

*****

******

*****

****

***

**

*

If you refused to take this quiz because it's a damn fool waste of time and then wrote a lengthy, self-righteous reply explaining precisely why it was a damn fool waste of time, congratulations: You are officially a curmudgeon!

I think that the world needs more cranks, cynics and curmudgeons. Curmudgeons keep the rest of the cockeyed optimists honest. We call curmudgeons irascible, grouchy, old farty pants, grumpy; even mean. But the world needs curmudgeons. They refuse to see life through the filter of wishful thinking and are outspoken in their devotion to the harsh realities of life. They protect the rest of society who are stumbling about blindly behind rose-colored glasses, from society (who by the way is to blame).

Horse 331 - Curmudgeony²

(Follows from above)

When author Ray Bradbury was 13, he saw W. C. Fields standing on a Hollywood street corner. Excitedly, the boy approached Fields with a sheet of paper for an autograph. Fields signed his name, handed back the paper, and said, "There you are, you little son of a bitch." Fields was something of a twisted patron saint of curmudgeonry. He didn't like children, and he made no pretense otherwise. Like all good curmudgeons, Fields attacked false sentiment because it devalues the real thing.

Curmudgeons are classic outsiders; they instinctively distrust conventional wisdom and challenge authority. They are proudly and aggressively out of touch with pop culture. Curmudgeons don't read "relationship" books, they don't carry mobiles, and they don't use SMS. They don't do pilates, feng shui, or aromatherapy. Curmudgeons never watch "Must See TV" and they know the very term is a contradiction.

Let's fact it. Popular culture has always been moronic. It has to be, by mathematics. I mean, one-half of the population is by definition below average intelligence. The good Lord lets us grow old for a reason: to gain the wisdom to find fault with everything he's made. When I was younger I thought it was me, but now I know it's the world that needs fixing. Dammit, I'm not an angry young man, I'm a curmudgeon and jolly well annoyed by it.

Horse 330 - What's Legal Isn't Just

I am now more firmly convinced than ever that the Islamic system of law is about the most evil and vile thing ever conceived on the face of this planet. Now I don't know if Schapelle Corby has a useful nor legal defence as it seems that she cannot prove who put the 4kg of cannabis in her bag, but the legal system it seems doesn't even wish to consider evidence.

The sentencing commission when it delivers its judgement has stated that the only thing that it is going to take into account will be the facts that if was her bag and that the tags prove that the bags belong to her. I note that no evidence has been taken to prove who handled the luggage from the point it entered Brisbane Airport nor at Denpasar.

The judge has even accused Corby of feigning illness when she collapsed twice. I'm sorry but if you're facing a possible death penalty then you prove to me how much more stress you can possibly place someone under. Adequate medical assistance has also been denied as she was placed into prison because there were too many reporters hanging about.

Justice in this case can not be hoped to be served, not under this system. I also wonder just how much grace is in a system when a person whom it was proved murdered 80+ people in a nightclub got given a 2 years sentence when someone accused of handling drugs (without proof of ownership) can be given death.

Indonesia, as a country I may feel sorry for the your loss due to natural disaster but your legal system is malevolence embodied. There is only one word left to describe it, and that is

****

Horse 329 - C was for Cookie

Something must be wrong in the land of Muppets. First PBS announced that "Sesame Street" would kick off its 35th season this week with a multiyear story arc about healthy habits. No problem there; childhood obesity rates are soaring. Then I learned of changes that turned my "Sesame Street" world upside-down.

My beloved blue, furry monster who sang "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me" is now advocating eating healthy. There's even a new song "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food," where Cookie Monster learns there are "anytime" foods and "sometimes" foods.

Has the world gone totally and utterly mad? Here I was thinking that common-sense may have had a hand somewhere but it looks like Political-Correctness has made a knock-out punch in the 9th. My generation grew up with the Cookie Monster and a whole host of other "bad" role models, but I'm not a sugar dependant oompa loompa. We also grew up with Popeye, but he didn't help me like spinach. What about the Coyote, well maybe a bad example because I do happen to hold a deep seated fear about falling off the side of a cliff 60 stories and going splat.

Ratcheting down the Cookie Monster's cravings is like taking away Count Von Count's numbers, like making Oscar be nice or even making Grover get a normal job in a stable working environment. Pepe Le Peu should be up on sexual harassment charges, the Snuffleupagus is obviously a manic depressive and should be given prozac, Bob The Builder rides on the outside of moving machinery and would lose his builder's certificate and Bugs Bunny was cross dresser.

Children aren't stupid. I think they understand that living in a rubbish bin is a bad idea, I also think that without character flaws you can't create comedic counter point. The Cookie Monster has on occasions eaten snow, a taxi, several letters of the alphabet, one one occasion Kermit. When will the madness end?

This post has been brought to you by the letters P & C and by the number 666.

Horse 328 - Parking Inspectors

I'd like to personally thank parking inspectors for their ruthless effiency. It's
good to see that council workers are doing more than just sipping cups of tea from tents erected near four month holes in the ground but my quesiton is this:

What can't you lot do something useful? Wouldn't it be good if they chased real criminals? What if they went after drug traffickers, heroin addicts, how about finding a cure for cancer?

I say give all parking inspectors, blue bombers and grey ghosts guns and let them loose on the yoof gangs that we hear so much about. Whatever happens, I bet we'd all win.

Most parking inspectors, bouncers at nightclubs etc are failed police people. This I find really ironic as let's face facts here, you can't be too stupid to be in today's police force.

Horse 327 - Happy New Year / April Fools Day...

... look it really is too difficult arguing this any more. I think that the Christian church was right in hijacking all of the Roman and Greek festivals. The following I hope shows why - dates and days are just completely and uttlerly haywire.

What prompted this was this from the Divulge website. Particularly B's comment "5. Where did April Fools Day come from?I have no idea - prawn and his extensive discourse made me laugh though :) - that is why asked the question. And rollos is cool too." Well in true fashion I did some research on the matter and the results are not only stranger than I imagined but almost than I could imagine.

The story Gregorian Calendar is surely one of the most political things in the history of history. April Fool's Day or All Fools Day is yet another one on these historical appendicies.
The commonly accepted origin of April Fool's Day involves changes in the calendar. At one time, the New Year celebration began on March 25 and ended on April 1. However, in 1582, King Charles IX adopted the Gregorian calendar and accepted the beginning of the new year as January 1. Those who refused to acknowledge the new date or simply forgot received foolish gifts and invitations to nonexistent parties. The butt of such a prank was known as a "poisson d'avril" or "April fish."

Pope Gregory suppressed 10 days in the year 1582 and ordained that thereafter the years ending in hundreds should not be leap years unless they were divisible by 400. The year 1600 was a leap year under both systems, but 1700, 1800, and 1900 were leap years only in the unreformed calendar. The reform was accepted, immediately in most Roman Catholic countries, more gradually in Protestant countries, and in the Eastern Church the Julian calendar was retained into the 20th century.

The reform was not accepted in England and the British colonies in America until 1752. By that date the English calendar was 11 days different from that of continental Europe. Quite bizzare that September 3 should be followed by September 14, 1752, to compound this several workers demanded that they be paid 11 days of lost income.

At the time of the October Revolution, Russia was still using the Julian calendar. This was different from the modern calendar in its application of leap years, resulting in it falling behind the seasons by about 1 day every 100 years. Most Western European nations (including the British Empire) had shifted to the modern calendar system by 1760 (predating the American Revolution).

As a result of this difference in calendars, since the dates were set forward to correct for the existing error when the various countries changed systems, it was October 25th in Russia but the same day was November 6th (I think, give or take a day) in London and Paris. The Soviet Union shifted to the modern calendar system during the 1920's.

The last thing that perhaps should be mentioned in all of this is the strange case of Ethiopia. Their calendar whilst still being roughly Gregorian in operation claims that they calculate the year from the actual date of creation. They argue that creation took place in the autumn, which starts in September and ends in December. They also say that when God flooded the earth at the time of Noah, the flood started in the month of May (Ginbot, or the ninth month for Ethiopians) and subsided in September (Meskerem). The earth dried up, heralding new life on earth. Hence two reasons for New Year being in September, right after the Ethiopian rainy season. So in Ethiopia the date is taken to be 7 years and 11 days behind our own. Or today is April 1, 1998.

Should we give them an April Fish? I throw my hands in the air at this point.

Horse 326 - State Number Plate Lessons

NSW was once upon a time "The Premier State" - what this really said to the rest of the country was - we know that we are the best state, so there. Nyah nyah nyah.

Victoria was "The Garden State" - which didn't really say much except that Victorians were boring people pottering about with hand trowels.

Queensland was "The Sunshine State" - which offended people from Melbourne who live in perpetual rain.

South Australia was "The Festival State" - which is rather pagan considering that Adelaide is the city of churches.

And that was it... AND THEN...

NSW became "The First State" after the rest of the nation thought it was pompous, then it became "Towards 2000" which really echoed the other two statements. We are the best, we have the Olympics so there. But now post Y2K, cars that have that just look old.

Victoria under the Kennett government suddenly went "On The Move" but given the current Bracks government who've tried to de-Jeff the state, the must have got stuck 'cause now they're "The Place To Be".

Queensland was tired of looking dozey in the sun so they thought real hard and came up with "The Smart State". That just looks like Lister and Cat walking down the road singing "we're smart" as they were "the smart party".

Tasmania became "The Holiday Isle" after they realised that no-one wanted to go there.

NT became "Outback Australia" just so people actually knew where it was.

Tropical North Queensland tried in vain to set up their own country once Pauline "please explain" Hanson did her work in Southern Queensland.

And because WA realised that no-one else could be bothered to drive for 4 days just to get there, they had number plates for any group of more than 50 people.

Horse 325 - Yesterday's Tomorrows

A perfect day a perfect night
Tell me all those perfect lies
And lie back on the sofa till it's light
Streets get full up every night
With people buzzing round the lights
And waving at the taxis driving by

Now tomorrow's here today
And yesterday's todays just fade away
Now tomorrow's here today
And yesterday's tomorrows never came

The perfect stare of perfect eyes
That kiss you as they tell you lies
And wonder where you're going, where've you been
In towers high with time to fill
Gardens on your window sill
In between the pavement and the sky

Now tomorrow's here today
And yesterday's todays just fade away
Now tomorrow's here today
And yesterday's tomorrows never came

The perfect plane across the skies
You never came to say good-bye
But that's OK because you never stay
And when it's time for you to bail
Is that because somehow I've failed
To hold the door and never let you in

Now tomorrow's here today
And yesterday's todays just fade away
Now tomorrow's here today
And yesterday's tomorrows never came

Now tomorrow's here today
And yesterday's todays just fade away
Now tomorrow's here today
And yesterday's todays are still the same

Horse 324 - Dueling Geordies At 10 Paces

What did we do when we were bored? Fighting. Get really angry, take it out on the fields of war Queensbury style and have a good old fashioned beat up.



Newcastle pair Kieron Dyer and Lee Bowyer were sent off in disgrace for fighting during their side's 3-0 home defeat against Aston Villa. Dyer and Bowyer exchanged blows in the middle of the Newcastle half three minutes after Villa had gone 3-0 up.

The pair later appeared alongside manager Graeme Souness to apologise for their conduct, but pointedly did not say sorry to each other. Both will miss the FA Cup semi-final against Manchester United on 17 April.

During their fracas, the duo were separated by Villa goalscorer Gareth Barry and several of their team-mates, though not before Bowyer's shirt had been ripped. Barry, who scored two penalties to seal Villa's victory, admitted he was stunned to see Bowyer and Dyer brawling on the pitch.

Could someone please tell the Geordies to stop brawling on the pitch and remind them to keep all fights in the terraces where they belong?

Horse 323 - Budget of Nostradamus

Today being 1st April is the day that the Federal Government will use as it's last date before the Senate estimates committee for the Budget. If and when it does come I predict one of the following responses from the opposition:

1. It is a budget of missed opportunities.
2. It only serves the big end of town.
3. It doesn't do enough for the poor.
4. They are trying to gut Medicare or Universities or Veteran's Affairs - insert one.
5. It shows they have no vision.
6. It was a lazy bugdet.
7. If a big surplus then :
7a. We must spend money on those who need it. If a small surplus or a deficit then :
7b. Fiscal irresponsibility, need to save for a rainy day

These are my predictions anyway, I shal refer to these at a later date.

The Government will then accuse the Opposition of:

1. Having no policies of their own.
2. Having no vision for the future.
3. Stalling on key issues for cheap political points.
4. Cynically manipulating popular opinion.

Horse 322 - Welcome To His Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Not really, my Ka is quite reliable.
Do you ever feel out of place? Quite often, but that's a result of fielding backward of square
Like somehow you just don't belong, And no one understands you- well no-one ever does anyway, so that's normal
Do you ever wanna runaway? I have done, and especially overseas.
Do you lock yourself in your room? I don't have a lock on the door.
With the radio on turned up so loud, That no one hears you screaming - That's just not an appropriate response to anything

No you don't know what it's like, When nothing feels all right - um, yes I do. You have no right to make that judgement.
You don't know what it's like, To be like me - well no I don't, but this is a phenomenon called cosmic loneliness.

To be hurt - yes I do
To feel lost - yes I do
To be left out in the dark - and without keys
To be kicked when you're down - yes
To feel like you've been pushed around - yes
To be on the edge of breaking down, And no one's there to save you - except the NRMA. That's what the hard shoulder is for.
No you don't know what it's like, Welcome to my life - If I don't know what it's like, then why are you welcoming me to it? It sounds pretty crap.

Do you wanna be somebody else? Yes, I'd like to be Kimi Raikkonen
Are you sick of feeling so left out? Yes, so? You already told me that I don't know what it's like, so even you don't care about the answer.
Are you desperate to find something more before your life is over? Not incredibly, I have all that's sufficient.
Are you stuck inside a world you hate? Of course, this world is broken.
Are you sick of everyone around? Only just Camry drivers and surly McDonald's employees
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies, While deep inside you're bleeding - Oh dear, I should go to the hospital and get the internal bleeding looked at. Thanks for the warning.

No you don't know what it's like, When nothing feels all right - ok probably not on reflection but given that I'm suffering internal bleeding then there's obviously more important things to worry about.
You don't know what it's like, To be like me - you don't have internal injuries

To be hurt - obviously
To feel lost - yes
To be left out in the dark - it's even worse with hospital waiting lists
To be kicked when you're down - you just don't have any sympathy do you?
To feel like you've been pushed around - it's worse now
To be on the edge of breaking down, And no one's there to save you - there is always the MTAA's roadside assistance
No you don't know what it's like, Welcome to my life - I don't want to be welcomed to yours, don't you listen?

No one ever lied straight to your face - who are you to say that? You just have.
No one ever stabbed you in the back - I'm guessing someone must have, that would explain the injuries
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay - hey I'm the one bleeding over here, call me an ambulance you idiot!
Everybody always gave you what you wanted - except an ambulance
Never had to work it was always there - To him who does not work, let him not eat
You don't know what it's like, what it's like - with all due respect sir...

To be hurt - er...
To feel lost - well I am now
To be left out in the dark - Mr Carr should be doing something about this
To be kicked when you're down - boot bash!
To feel like you've been pushed around - or stabbed in the back apparantly
To be on the edge of breaking down, And no one's there to save you - the NRMA has links with both the RACV and the RACQ
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like) - no, but I've suffered far worse. LIKE INTERNAL BLEEDING

To be hurt - and you still haven't called an ambulance
To feel lost - for words? You're an uncaring so-and-so
To be left out in the dark - so we should improve motorway lighting?
To be kicked when you're down - it seems that we have a crime problem too
To feel like you've been pushed around - stop the violence!
To be on the edge of breaking down, And no one's there to save you - there are also ties with Green Flag and the RAC in the UK with links throughout Europe

No you don't know what it's like - and I don't care now
Welcome to my life - please return all tray tables to the locked position
Welcome to my life - and all seats to the upright
Welcome to my life - and thank you for flying whingy fake-punk airlines

I'm still bleeding internally!

Horse 321 - Spaghetti Junction 3

This is the last Horse in this short series about what I think should happen to the Motorways in Sydney. Apart from their very existance which I think in some cases I think is vastly unjustified (like the M7 that goes nowhere, or the M2 that really should have been a railway line) the road system is generally quite confusing.

The photo above shows just how useful Junction numbers can be. This was at roughly 7pm on a Thursday. I had gotten off of the plane and had to be in Cardiff in time to see a football match. Even in a brain-dead jet lagged state, I still knew that I had to get off at Junction 29. With no regard for the name of the roads or even where I was going, I drove along the M4 counting off 25, 26, 27, 28 and 29, before getting onto the A road and driving into town.

A48 was funnily enough the 8th A road that came off the motorway. Even at night, these handy little flashy lights tell you where you need to be. Even in bi-lingual Wales were Cardiff and Caerdydd are actually the same place, it could be confusing to come across signs that say Araf and Y Bala if you didn't know what was going on, but because it's all numbered, it doesn't matter.

That's what this is about, helping people find stuff.

Horse 320 - Spaghetti Junction 2

To explain the following picture you'll need some info:




M - Motorway: Grade separated intersections and a divided carriageway. No traffic lights except for on the slip roads.
A - A Road: Principle main routes. Usually divided carriageways though in built up areas the median strip is likely to be only a concrete kerb.
B - B Road: Local trunk roads. Generally the lowest class of road to commonly bear traffic lights.
C - C Road: Usually only applied to long rural roads of import but less than a B.

Having been to Britain and driven the roads for myself, I can vouch for the sheer logic of numbering roads. I note that the photos for the Cross City tunnel printed in the SMH (who don't let me show them) already bear the designation M1 and I hope that we follow Victoria and Britain on this as it makes quite a lot of sense.

The main roads are numbered 1, 2, 3, 4 etc. M designations should only be afforded to those sections that have full motorway status and conditions. M3, M6, M9 and M10 in Sydney are not Motorways and as such do not deserve M. To wit:M2 runs from the Sydney Harbour Bridge, up the Warringah Expressway, through the soon to be built tunnel and onto the Hills Motorway. From Old Windsor Rd it would cease to be the M2 and become the A2 from that point onwards. Thus M10 which is a series of roads up past the northern beaches would be in reality A10.

The next series of numbers are all of the spur roads. These are numbered off via as follows:

1. The first spur off of the M1 (or A1 if not a motorway) is called the A11. The second is called the A12 etc.
2. Connecting roads are given connecting numbers. Thus James Ruse Drive which currently connects M4 to M7 can also be given A47 of A74 depending on what's been used.
3. Spurs off of spurs are also numbered off. Kissing Point Rd which leaves the A47 would become the A471.
4. B Roads are 4 digits. Because there are so many of these it makes no sense at the outset to render something as B42. Hassal St, Parramatta is the first B road to leave the A47. Thus it would become the B4701. C Roads are in effect the same as B Roads but due to the roads' conditions, C is more of a warning than a road location indicator.

In the UK all Motorway and some A Road junctions are numbered. This is especially useful if you happen to be looking for your turnoff as you simply count the numbers off - finding Junction 18 on the M1 North (to Newcastle) would be simpler than remembering the road sequences and names beforehand. I can see no reason why similar should not be done here.

On the M4 Concord Rd is the first Junction (Well Actually J1a since it's virtually the same junction as the end of the motorway) so would be called Junction 1. The A3 (Homebush Bay Drive) is the next one so would be Junction 2 etc. By bizarre fluke, M4 meets M7 at Junction 10 which is also the 10th Junction from the intersection with the M2 (which seeing as that's the start point would be Junction 1)
These would be denoted by a black square in the bottom right of all info signs. Or with mile listings, every Junction is listed. If I'm heading eastbound on the M4 of a morning and I hear that traffic is backed up from Junctions 6 to 11, I know that if I get off at 12 I can avoid them rather than joining the end of the queue (That's Church St, Parra - Roper Rd, St Mary's - which in the mornings is usual).

The system has been working in Britain since the 30's (before the inception of motorways), in Victoria since the late 80's and throughout Europe since the 70's. Why is NSW so slow on the uptake of such an obvious system?

Horse 319 - Spaghetti Junction 1

I read the Prawn's blog this morning and looked at the links for Sydney's new orbital, the massive contruction works and then looked at the details for the cross city tunnel.
Allow me to tell my own story with the aid of this picture:




This is Junction 6 of the M6 near Birmingham, officially known as either Junction 6 or even the Gravelly Hill Motorway Interchange in the planning documents but everyone calls this beastie Spaghetti Junction. I suspect that the Sydney M7 Junction with the M4 will be very big put still puny in comparison with this one.

It connects Britain's second most trafficked road (after the M1) with the A38 (Aston Expressway) and the B4139. Also in the mix are several on and off ramps from minor roads, a canal and a railway line. At nearly 2 miles long it's roughly 7 times as long as the Sydney Harbour Bridge. The area of this one junction is bigger than the on-ramps on the Sydney Harbour Bridge by nearly a factor of 12. That "little" road that continues from the bottom to the middle left of the picture is in fact the M6 itself with 6 lanes in each direction. In other words, this aint some pathetic tin-pot fly-over.

It does have one drawback, being the biggest road junction in the world it also possesses one of the biggest traffic snarls as well. I accidentally had the misfortune of driving into it on a Friday afternoon at 5:30pm. Suffice to say that the jam was so bad that obviously the regulars knew about this and some got out of their cars; one lady in particular (and it's perhaps an indictment upon me that I should notice this) clad in slightly less than we would consider normal for 20 degrees Celsius (though in the UK it's a barmy summer's day) was fawned out upon the bonnet of her Ford Orion, trying to get some rays from the afternoon sun. J6 is by all accounts a very good place to learn about one aspect of heaven... eternity becomes more than just a sign on a bridge. You can wait for hours here.

The other thing is that such a large thing expands and contracts in the heat, it makes it very interesting to hear a motorway junction creak. Also being a high wind area, cars get blown about as if they were nine-pins.

Horse 318 - The Worst Drivers by Marque

Precisely one month ago my boss made the comment that "Camry drivers are the worst". This is somewhat odd as he himself drives that most dreaded of vehicles, a Volvo. So then rather than let the myths perpetuate I conducted a rather inexact survey from 20 Feb to 20 Mar to see which Marque truly has the worst drivers. The results may shock you.

Here is the list for total acts of numptiness, arrogance and stupidity I encountered for those 4 weeks:

Toyota 38
Holden 9
Ford 9
Mercedes Benz 8
Hyundai 7
Kia 5
BMW 2
Renault 1
Volvo 1
Nissan 1

Me? 12.
Total 98

In 28 days I found that it's likely that you'll come across or be the cause of 3.5 acts of bad driving in a day, ranging from being cut-off, failure to indicate, tailgating, barging into people's braking zones etc.I think due to the fact that I was aware of other people's mistakes, I also had a heightened sense of my own including 7 acts of turning against a "No Right Turn" sign (actually I do this every day at Pendle Hill it's just that most of the time it's outside the hours).

The Toyota question came up - why are they so vastly over represented? The reason for this is three fold.

1. Toyota as a marque have more makes than any other. As far as I know, they are the only marque represented in all classes of car. This includes Echo to Camry and even their small trucks.
2. Some of it must be put down to the demographics of where I drive. On the Lower North Shore you're likely to find that every third vehicle is a Land Cruiser (note that these are immaculate and usually only used to drive children to school in), but in Chatswood, Camrys are the chosen vehicle.
3. Also some of it must be put down to the character of the driver for this I also choose 3 dot points:
3a) Arrogance - This occurs mainly on the North Shore and in 4WD's. These people know that they have a larger vehicle and will tend to deliberately intimidate other drivers more.
3b) Ignorance - Camry and Corolla drivers are on the whole blissfully unaware of any car around them. Camrys are the classic lane wanderers and Corolla drivers will tend to be younger and consequently be on their mobile phone more and/or indicate less.
3c) Belligerence - More common in Sydney's west and espescially likely in older Corollas with wacky paint schemes, mag wheels and doof-doof. These drivers own all the road including the bit you happen to be on, they will race everyone and cut-off and chop at in excess of 20km/h over the speed limit.

Interestingly of the 38 Toyotas there were no Celicas or Supras which indicates to me that the people who in theory have a car in which they can more agressively drive simply do not do so, at least not in peak hours.

So then Volvo's crown is well and truly unfounded for it is Toyota drivers who in my sample are the worst of all.

Horse 315 - I Like...

I like confusing people by having the numbers of Horse out of order.

The Sound of Music may have had a list of favourite things, this isn't that. This is a list of stuff I like...

I like having a book that I can read again and again and still learn stuff out it.
I like the word truncated because it isn't; I like the words abbreviated and dyslexia for the same reason.
I like catalogues and shifting spanners.
I like sleet and cold driving winds biting into the poorly clad flesh of protest marchers.
I like being in the coalition of the willing. I like thrusting democracy on unsuspecting victims. Take Iraq... Please.
I like the way the rich and stupid are no longer excluded from universities.
I like the fact I can’t remember anyone who appeared on Big Brother 2 or 3.
I like the fact that I don’t know the name of the Leader of the Democrats either.
I like the fact that I don't know who is on X Factor.
I like the way justice has been taken out of the courts and has been put onto the airwaves.
I like truth, and the way the government still uses it occasionally to keep us guessing.
I like our Medicare system. No really I do.
I like that kids still look up to their country’s leaders as role models. My young neighbour hid my keys in the front garden and lied about it the other day. When I challenged her she said it was irrelevant.
I like H.M The Queen.
I like being burnt to a crisp by the sun and then freezing to death in the same day.
I like paying a fortune in tax and then wondering why my taxes aren't being used to fund services.
I like football and ragging non-football.
I like candlelit dinners.
I like it when the candle falls over, singeing the tablecloth.
I like small children and their capacity for mayhem, mischief, destruction and pure joy.
I like being next in a queue.
I like staring at people with an evil grin so they suspect something.
I like stories with surreal plots that start in the middle and finish in Tenterfield.
I like Tenterfield.
I like Tents.
I like burning stuff.
I like the concept of a sport that lasts five days and still achieves no result.
I like cinnamon flavoured stoats.
I like people who are serious enough to work hard and seriously twisted enough to take the mick out of themselves.
I like the ABC and I vote.
I like Fender Stratocasters.
I like my little Ford Ka (it's a cutie).
I like being aware that I'm sleeping in.
I like chunky bits in corn.
I like the fact that when you vomit, there's always bits of carrot in there whether or not you've actually eaten any. I reckon there's this guy who goes around chopping up bits of carrot simply so he can do this.
I like L4 OTH
I like how Astroboy didn't fight for truth and justice but for peace and equality.
I like how Astrologers actually think they can predict the future by looking at a bunch of stars - silly idiots.
I like the Numa Numa dance.
I like Frogurt
I like the company of affable ladies and fiducious gentlemen.
I like expecting the worst and then being pleasantly surprised.
I like working hard.
I like compiling stupid lists.

...but I don't like man-eating zombies with PhD's in Retro-Neurology getting onto the board of multi-national textile companies then claiming millions in Worker's Compensation before moving to Aruba to start a hybrid silk-worm/wind farm and setting up experiments on invisible extra-terrestrial beings with skin cancer and eating disorders.
I can deal with it though.

Horse 317 - IRA St Patrick's Day

(Horse 3/17 - 317 - there's a coincedence)

I am A Terrorist

...and I'd like to visit your country for the purpose of raising funds from fanatical supporters who will never be affected directly by my actions. I would estimate that you could give me around $1,500,000 a year, though what I will spend this on is none of your business.I'd also like to have audiences with highly promenant political leaders from your country, especially your country's leader, who have all agreed to talk to me and in fact welcomed me with open arms, over the last ten years.
Of course, I'm not actually a terrorist, I've never been convicted of acts of terrorism. I'm just the leader of the terrorist organisations political wing.

My reasoning for posting this one is my constant dis-belief at the USA welcoming Gerry Adams into their country with open arms, as well as giving a terrorist organisation US$15,000,000 over the last ten years. I wonder what their reaction would be if we invited Al-Qaeda into Australia, held parties and gave them money?

If the Northern bank robbery was linked to Sinn Fein then I would hope the Criminal Assets Bureau would seize their assets and force them to account for each £stg and Euro but of couse we all know that this will never happen. All this violence and destruction of property. Is this what we think of when we think of the Irish? Well yes and especially today, St.Patrick's Day, as the leader of Sinn Fein meets with the President of the USA.

So much for the so-called "War on Terror"

Horse 316 - Australian Idle

This is taken from a conversation that I had tonight (well yesterday as it's like really early now).

Isn't this song really good?
Let me hear a bit of it and I'll tell you
Huh?
I haven't heard this before
Have a listen for a bit
...
What do you think?
I think it's kinda crap actually
You're only saying that because she's fat
I don't even know who the heck this is!
It's Casey Donovan
And?
The winner of Australian Idol?
Yeah her, uh. I never watched the show
Don't you think you're being rude?
No. I never saw the show, had no idea who it was until you told me and I still thought that it sucked.

The song in question was Casey Donovan's "What's Going On" which had acheived the notable feat of getting airplay on at stupid o'clock on the radio. In Horse 300 I alluded to poor CD sales being linked to the fact that CD singles are being run for fewer weeks than previous, so that record companies can shift more units. I think that this single is a case which warrants futher investigation.

ARIA accused lower than expected sales of the first single (I don't know what it's called - or rather I don't care) on illegal downloads over file-sharing networks. I think after hearing the second single that there is in fact are far more obvious reason and that is that the record is genuinely poo.

I in theory am/are the prime target for record companies to be selling records to, I have a reasonably disposable income and travel in the car quite a lot. Therefore I should have a high exposure to whatever the record companies want to sell. However, what the record companies seem to have forgotten is that the radio is the prime media for their product to be exposed. If the music they want to sell isn't something I want to buy, then no transaction will take place.

I suppose that there is some degree of moral indignency about the winner of Australian Idol (and let's be fair about this, if the winner doesn't shift sales then the talent in general must have been poor) being voted by the public and then bombing in the sales charts. I still think that my reaction is typical, and that I'm hardly under any obligation to part with my money.

And no I don't think I'm being visually discriminating, it was on the radio and yes it was crap.

Horse 314 - Doing The iPod Shuffle

This has to be a record in late replies. The Prawn gave us this little doozie on 14th Jan, and I finally reply on the 15th of March. I must admit my iPod was frazzled and had to be taken back to Apple but they were nice enough to me and in the end I upgraded from 20GB to 40GB for very little cost so that was "a good thing". I had to wait until I scored a new iPod and ripped all and sundry back. So...

Here's how it works:
1. Open up the music player on your computer (or your iPod, possibly).
2. Set it to play your entire music collection.
3. Hit the "shuffle" command.
4. Tell us the title of the next ten songs that show up (with their musicians), no matter how embarrassing.

So, without further adieu...

1. Come On Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners
This came off one of the very last 7" records in print before they went to cassingles. This has one of the very cool looking K-Tel labels on as well.

2. Big Monster, Little Monster - Regurgitator
I think this came as a B-Side to Happiness by the Gurge. It's certainly one of the more bizarre tracks in my collection.

3. One Million Watts of Music Power - Radio 1 Promo
A feature of my music collection is the incredibly large number of less than 5 second tracks. Most are either adverts or like this, station ident promos. Interestingly I think I have every promo for Radio 1 (of the BBC) going back to its inception in 1967. This is so early 90's though.

4. Not Like The Other Girls - The Rasmus
The Rasmus' big hit In the Shadows came to Australian airwaves some 19 weeks after it went big in the UK. I'd already bought the album by the time it was here. This song is one of those song that sounds "helpless", it has big rocky minor chords which sounds different.

5. Born On A Different Cloud - Oasis
Liam Gallagher at his Mancunian whiny best. Of all the tracks I have, Oasis is the best represented with 109 being 112% of all trcaks they have released. This includes unrealeased tracks and 8 track demos that somehow leaked out.

6. St. Jimmy - Green Day
When Green Day recorded American Idiot few would have thought that it would have worked as well as it did. I say that this is mainly due to the dross in the music industry at the moment. Given this, when actual musicians make music (Interesting concept) they will usually do very well.

7. Powerpuff Girls - TV Theme
Unlike Avril's attempt on Spongebob Squarepants, The Powerpuff Girls theme is a rocky thing on it's own. The nearest equivalent I can think of is Wanna Rock You by Babamania which incedentally appeared on the FIFA 2004 soundtrack.

8. The UK's Finest - Radio 1 Promo
This is a late 90's BBC promo when electric noises and industrial effects were popular thanks to the influence of DJ Pete Tong. I also note that the 97-99FM tag is dropped in favour of FM, Digital and Online which is an indication that even in the late 90's, radio transmission in the UK was changing and also of how far behind we are in Australia.

9. 275 & 285 - Jock Swan & The Metres
Another BBC contraption. This one is the song for the official changeover from 247 to 275 & 285 meters wavelength (or if you wish from 1214kHz to 1089 & 1053kHz AM. This puts it as November 1978, and again Australia was flagging behind as MMM, JJJ and 2-Day FM didn't start until 1980.

10. What I Am - Emma Bunton
Or should that be Tin Tin Out. Triple M have been playing Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians' version of late and poor Miss Edie just sounds like she's constipated or something, I don't know really. Emma on the other hand makes this sound like a throwaway summery-pop record - and better.

... these be they. Here be Dragons. Send me the money for the concept via the wire to my Swiss bank account, no really, please do.

Horse 313 - The Worst Band in the World

I am currently looking for band members for what I think is the next big wave in music, I intend to create a band with the sole aim of being "The Worst Band in The World". Let's face it, shows like Pop Idol, The X-Factor etc are based on the premise of letting talentless individuals disgrace themselves in front of national audiences. I say that the pretence of looking for actual talent be dropped. I guess I'm advocating a sort of anti-art.

The method of going about this is dead simple:

1. No Rehearsals
Every performance, every cut, every take will be the first one. There is to be no practise at all. All performances should be a dry run to ensure maximum rawness.

2. Writing New Songs
Simply doing a cover version implies that the band at least has had a chance to learn the words. We can't have that under any circumstances. If this means simply giving the band a title before they perform their new hit, then so be it.

3. No learning how to play
I don't want anyone who has a clue how to play their instruments be given the opportunity to do so. In fact like Pop Idol I would have a voting off process, namely anyone who even begins to show promise must be replaced by a worse person. The people who operate the mixing desk should be given free reign through incompotence or deliberance to make the sound even worse; introducing feedback whereever possible.

4. Stupid Name
Not only will the premise of the band be utterly bad, wrong and horrible but the name should reflect this as well. After a brief think, I've come to the conclusion that the name of the band should be on a rolling basis. I picked some words at random and came up with the following: Carbonated, Octogon, Swirling, Blue, Cardboard, Air, Twelve.
Thus the band would be called Air Twelve and then Twelve Carbonated, then Carbonated Octogon etc. This has the added advantage of confusing venue owners who if they'd heard the name of the band may not give it a go on stage.

Hopefully my new band would get a record deal worth tens, even hundreds of cents. Of course with me being their Svengali like manager, then they'd better not dream of greatness. They are...

The Worst Band in The World!

Horse 312 - GT4

GT4 came out on Friday and already I have myself a copy. I will have but one aim in this game; that is to get this car. Out of 700 cars, the Ka by far and a way has to be about the coolest and funkiest thing in there.
Already Thommo and Gorf have told me about this and their quest to get this in the game. This shall too be my quest but with one major difference... I already own one in real life.

How can you possibly go past this thing? I saw it at a motor show once and made the remark that "one day, oh yes, it will be mine. It will be mine." There aren't a lot of people I bet who can say that they've bought a car based on what they saw at a motor show. Maybe once my video-game-addicted compatriates use this car for a bit then they too shall see what I already know.

http://www.gtplanet.net/gt4/car_list/get_cars.php has a list with links and photos to quite a number of the cars in this game. I think there'd be literally far too many to ever drive and see in this game, but at least they have the funkiest little car in the world, and that's all that matters.

Horse 311 - Don't Believe The Truth

Here's little old me all excited as I've just forked over £15 for things I'm not going to get for 2 months.

Oasis have announced their new album Don't Believe The Truth will now be released of May 30 however, the May 16 date will now be the release of the first single from the album. Secrecy abounds on Lyla as we all remember the leaks that happened on the last one.

On top of this, every ticket on the North American tour has been sold - The Madison Square Garden tickets for June 22 sold within an hour. When they do return to the UK, the tour is likely to be extended as Newcastle has just been added to the list. Their touring partners Jet are likely to make the jaunt across the pond at this stage, and I for one will seriously be looking at going to Manchester in September.

What's as yet uncertain is whether they'll be touring with Rammstein in the UK as both bands will be at the Hurricane festival in June.

The 6th album from "the greatest band in the world" - 66 tracks were laid down for this one, let's hope that a lot turn up as B-Sides.

Horse 310 - A Big Wind Came and Blew the Town Away

Tropical Cyclone Ingrid is currently off the Queensland coast and has been downgraded to a Cat 4. Don't think for a second that just because it's been "downgraded" that it still can't cause mass damage. Tracy was a Cat 4 and look what she did.

Many of you probably know that they name circular storms based on the next letter of the alphabet, Cyclone Delta would follow Cyclone Camilla for instance, and that they retire a really famous name (never another Tracy) but one thing you may not know is that it wasn't until only a few years ago that they started using blokes names.

I think the reason is obvious: "Hell hath no fury like the scorn of a woman". Hands up anyone?

A friend of mine used to live near a beach and down the back of the property was a creek. Call them what you will either Dust Devils or Willie Willies, these used to follow the line of the creek before reaching the ocean and then diffusing.
These things would be no more than 20 feet tall but the winds in them would move at about 90 mph; the whole diameter can't have been anymore than 18 inches as worst.The problem was that local kids would chuck rubbish, tennis balls, water bombs etc into them, so you'd have a swirly mass of crap heading down the creek.
It would be great fun to take to them with a cricket bat and try to hit stuff out of them but being wary because they could cause serious injury (when Little Tim not Big Tim jumped into one he was carried about 10 meters then broke his leg). The swirling crap would be unceremoniously dumped somewhere, and there was this sand bar renowned for the amount of refuse deposited.

I imagine that your classic big circular storms operate the same way, except that the amount of crap required to diffuse them is immenseand would easily include houses, cars, roofing material etc. Therein lies the danger, these things as a collective are cities and townships; wanton destruction isn't something you want to wake up to...

... and in the case of Tracy, a crappy Christmas to boot.

Horse 309 - The Back Seat

I flashed down the F3 at Mooney Mooney pulling maybe 700 revs for 120km/h just letting the throttle trail like a big go-kart at 5:11pm and then ran into the world's biggest traffic jam. As I sat there in the warm afternoon sun I could see all of these lights switch off ahead of me and realised that I'd be there for a long while.So I step out of the car for a bit and had a bit of a short wander. The speed limit sign was obviously laughing at us all as it read 110 and here we were doing 0. Then I sat on the roof a while and just started to notice something.

There was a Subaru Liberty immediately ahead of me and in the back was this little kid asleep with her head cradled by the seat belt and I thought "I wish I could do that"

My usual position in a motor vehicle these days is in the driver's seat and then followed by the passenger's seat. Only very rarely do I actually get to sit in the back anymore as I'm not exactly an overly tall person but I'm tall enough to completely obliterate all rear view in the mirror.
Little kids have the enviable position of not having a care in the world in the back seat apart from boredom. I remember sitting it the back seat of dad's red car and watching the moon race through the clouds, or drifting in and out of sleep in that lucid state and watching lights go past. Why don't I dream anymore?

The second you make that leap into the front seat is when childhood is left behind. Suddenly all of the signs become instructions and distance markers rather than analogous coloured shapes. Logic and reason and worse, responsibility take over. As soon as you make that leap into the front seat, it's never ever the same again.

Horse 308 - A-Z of Me...

Found this on another website and the premise is simple, basically write the alphabet and then 26 words to describe yourself. Anyone armed with a good dictionary should be able to follow along.

Awake
Brilliant
Communism
Dizzy
Efficient
Free
Good
Happy
Ignored
Jumpy
Kittenish
Listless
Master
Nascent
Oubilette
Pensive
Quizzical
Runlet
Savant
Thinking
Urchin
Valanced
Whimsical
Xeroic
Yclept
Zeugmatic

... any complaints, feel free to comment.

Horse 307 - I See Red with Ferrari

The Forumla One season for 2005 has not yet started and already we are watching a controversy unfold.

This little saga started all the way back in October of 2004 when Ferrari tried to push for new regulations to raise the minimum ride heights of the cars (me thinks that they had perhaps discovered some advantage to be made). So regulations were drawn up and in prniciple the 10 F1 teams agreed without actually finding out what the rules were.

The 10 F1 teams are governed by the Formula and by a series of agreements called "Concorde". They require a unianimous agreement for then to be changed. They cover all sorts of things from TV revenue rights, how the championship is to be run, rules changes etc.

Without knowing the rules, most teams went and devloped their 2005 cars in expectation. Minardi on the other hand have such a limited budget that they more or less had to wait for the rules to be written before committing to building the 2005 car. For a car to be signed off by the FIA, a concorde agreement is required. Minardi and Ferrari have been fighting a war within the Italian press with the Ficenzan team claiming that Ferrari has too much of the revenue pie - consequently Ferrari didn't sign off on the car until the last minute.

When it came time to send the cars to Melbourne, Minardi still hadn't got all the aero kit worked out and so asked for permission to run last year's car despite it's "illegality". Given that last year's car was more than 3 seconds off the pace as most circuits, I personally see this as mean spirited by a team with a budget of $590m as opposed to Minardi's paltry $9m. If Ferrari were to score no points in the World Championship, according to their standing within the F1 community they'd still get $67m in revenue whereas Minardi if they acheived a clean sweep of every race would only get $37m.

I think Ferrari using their somewhat unique position are trying to actually remove Minardi from the grid permanently. I suspect but can't prove that the regs put in place for 2005 were decided by Ferrari and then forcibly agreed to.

F2004M was already compliant before F2005 makes an appearance whereas all other teams bar Minardi are fronting up in totally new equipment. F2004M is esentially last years car which is already reliable and they'll be watching the 2005 spec cars to improve F2005 before it makes an appearance. Baddoer has been testing the car outside of the regulations and so long as F2004M is the prescribed car, virtually unlimited miles can be done in it.

Actually to be perfectly honest and no-one saw this as it escaped under the radar the Technical Regulations were passed without Concorde and only officially published at Jan 1, 2005 making it impossible for anyone but whoever submitted the changes to actually know what they were.
Stoddart has a 2005 spec car that still hasn't got it's FIA approval and didn't get it as the FIA were in legal deliberations before the start of the season. Hmm, submit new rules then hold up the process of accreditation then disallow an ex-compliant car...

Notice something people?

Addenda: Even as I was writing this, the first practive session of the Melbourne GP was being run. Minardi were still not allowed to run their cars. To do so would require a signature by all 10 teams as at 3pm this afternoon prior to the final qualifying session. Jean Todt the Ferrari mysteriously has not signed as yet.

Ferrari: Scum scum scum scum scum scum scum scum scum scum scum scum scum.

Horse 306 - I Want to be Connected

After last night's rather pointed discussion and my obvious stay of great patience I feel I should solidify this whole thought; for the benefit of posterity (or posteria) and the peeps that didn't hear this first up, I shall now cast my pearls before swine.

We live in a highly connected world. It is replete with media: Internet, TV, Radio, Print etc. Literally zillabytes* of info demanding attention. A great bulk of this is devoted to a relational discourse; let's face it poets, songwriters and gossip columnists would be out of a job. The only logical conclusion is that we have an inbuilt need. How then is it possible on a planet of 6 billion people to feel utterly alone and isolated?
Society fuels this even further and even the church (in my well paid opinion) inadvertantly does so too. There are civil ceremonies for marriage, there are counselling services for divorcees but seemingly nothing for the "chronically" single.

What opened this discussion was a simple comment namely: "What's it like to still be single after all these years?" my reply rather defensively framed was "I don't know. What's it like to be married after all these years?". This caused a great deal of offence and I really have no idea why, it is in essence the same question. At what point did it become socially acceptable to insult singletons to their face and not expect a right of reply.

The ABS tells us that for whatever reason about 6% of the population will never get married or live de facto. Now presumably most people will have gotten married or have been in a serious relationship by age 30 which means that immediately there is a societal predjudice.Now with regards this the church is very strong to enforce the "no sex before marriage" rule (and rightly so), but by the time you actually are that point when the 8:30 movie on a Friday night is the reality this rule actually has the amendment "well you're still not allowed, so there". I've also heard all of the wishy-washy statements like "maybe you have to wait" or even that great line "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will grant the desires of your heart". In my feeble experience, God aint a vending machine and especially surrendered rights under submission will not instantly guarantee some magical reward.

Here's the bizarre twist, generally most pastors will have been married so are no longer the authority on what's it actually like to be alone. The second twist is that there is a subtle difference to being alone and being lonely. There are occasions when I'll need for instance to be alone and some would say that that's a good thing, but the premise of being lonely is more a mindset.

Now I'm not about to suggest that I'm necessarily content with my lot and perhaps looking across the fence where "the grass is greener" may be an issue but the heart of the matter is that we all have an inbuilt need to connect with people and especially our God. When a need isn't met for some reason it tends to create a great deal of grief.What I tend to find that's almost a paradox about life is that when I look beyond the four walls of my own mind, I somehow actually draw more beneit from helping other people. Though my own needs for connection may never be met (which could in theory be a distinct possibility) there will always be someone who needs what I have more than I do - it just happens to hurt when I get attacked over an expectation that may or may not be realised; I can't tell what tommorrow... or the next 50 years will hold. To presume that anyone other than God is in total control and knows what is best is quite literally a fallacy and shows up my selfishness more than anything.

*Zillabyte: (invented 01-03-05 by me) literally a zillion bytes. Some ridiculously large quantity of information.